Short Story: A Year Looking At The Calender Only

[Fuck_Me]

2010
A year looking at the calendar, only - I wish it was more scintillating but it isn’t.

January
Dancing recommences 11th:
We – that’s my wife and I dance on Monday evenings. I’m still at the learning stage after three years. John Sergeant is my ultimate hero. I wrestle with rhythm. I sometimes shout at my feet to ‘keep up’. I love it. It’s a challenge. Every week we go. I don’t like the cha-cha. I think the arm movements are gay.
Four squash matches during the month:
I had four squash matches during the month and for the life of me I cannot remember who two of the opponents were, Lance or Paul apparently. I have no glimmer of even remembering their faces. It’s an age thing.
*MIMS 50th birthday on the 9th:
MIM (a neighbour’s wife) was 50. We went to a posh restaurant at midday on a Saturday. I was hardly up. It was a surprise birthday. I don’t generally like dogs (or cats). All the people there did. A question ‘why do dogs like bones?’ resulted in thirty, difficult minutes. Neal was an expert. We liked the food though. The birthday cake was ‘such a surprise’… I’ve never applauded illuminated candles before.
*MIM, an affectionate name for a friend’s wife who lives across the road from us. Based on a TV Cricket comedy where the wife of the Captain seemingly did everything and the skipper took the praise. My friend played cricket with me in my dotage at the cricket club and she scowled at us a lot but mostly when we won the third eleven championship league title and as the celebration evening wore on we bought rounds in the Club House for stupid reasons like ‘he walks like he’s got a wooden leg’ and ‘my wife’s in hospital – hurray’.
Writers Group on the 14th:
I model myself on Alan Bennett. I’ve never read anything of his. I’ve seen the plays of course. It just sounds good. I attend a writers group. I’m the runt of the litter metaphorically. People stare at me.
Why do I go to the junior school venue every month on Thursday evenings? Who knows. I buy a machine coffee, go upstairs, buy a raffle ticket, sit next to a pair of aging ladies who I hold in complete ore – they have written several romantic novels, know a bit about life and to me represent in the ten minutes I talk to them at the end of the session, a reason for going. The Chairman (a TV script writer) doesn’t like me. I read out a humorous letter once, I had written about someone who lived in Winson Green who had fallen on hard times. This man had written a sad letter to his kin in New Zealand. It was the detail associated with the street fight with his girlfriend’s ex and a stray dog with large testicles that did it. The Chairman stopped me with one of those stern ghostly looks and said after ten minutes he required to ask another member to read out their work too. One of the high points of the writers group; leaving at 9pm and glancing past the belly dancing class on the ground floor. Even that was risqué, based on whatever caught your eye first. It was a class for all ages.
Golf Club AGM on 20th:
I like golf. Hitting the ball is such a surprise. I wait ages between surprises. I went to AGM. I’ve been playing two years. A novice. I made a comment....
I mentioned the divots left by balls landing on the greens and players reluctance to repair damaged areas. I have played for a year now and I thought it would be impressive to say something technical. It obviously didn’t go down well with some. Just when I thought I was making in roads to making new friends I blow my cover and can hardly find someone to partner me. Have you heard the expression ’Billy no mates’?
Cricket Nets on 30th:
I would have been far happier to have curled up in bed this morning. It’s Saturday, It’s freezing out. I don’t get up till ten in the winter. I have a cup of coffee to steady myself. A piece of toast. Read the post. Think of my Saturday night curry and irreverent conversation at the Working Men’s Club. Coaching the forward defensive stroke is not on the agenda. Still, it wasn’t too bad. Several new starters with bright club futures, several others who should have stayed in bed. It was also pleasant to have a bit of banter with fellow Coaches particularly when I missed the ball in one of my batting demonstrations.

February
Horse Racing Fraternity Meet on 5th:
For some reason it was necessary to meet even though we would be seeing the Group in less than a month at one of Smithy’s infamous ‘Cheltenham’ low life bar seminars on how to put a lot of money on a horse and try tearless composure, when it lost. I enjoyed the gathering immensely particularly our recollections of meeting a gambling millionaire at the Hennessy the previous November.
Fellow Coach 40th Birthday bash at Great Barr Golf Club on 5th:
It was a cold Friday morning as our balls exploded down the first fairway. Some exploded wider of the mark of course but it was 9.30am and it was freezing. We had a good laugh in the bar afterwards tempered only by ‘someone from the committee’ objecting to one of our group wearing a bomber jacket in the ‘lounge’ area.
Grandson’s 1st birthday on 8th:
He’s talking well. No one understands what he says. The furniture has never looked so… what’s the word… worn, dented, past it’s sell by date. But we don’t care, he’s such a charmer. Lines like ‘Ma Ma. Are you alright?’ tend to disarm you and allow endless damage to go unheeded.
Skittles evening with ballroom dancing group on 20th:
Our friends could not attend. We didn’t know until we got there. Sat with people who were our friends’ friends. We didn’t understand the in jokes or pick up on conversation. Was it a dialect thing. Were my ears washed out? Hardly anything was clear. We guessed when we thought it was appropriate to laugh but that in itself caused severe dryness about the throat. My performance with the nine pins was not brilliant. In fact on the second occasion I represented my Team, several people retired to the bar in case one of my wooden balls flew off at an angle again and did some real damage. At half time we were almost killed in the rush when someone shouted ‘Buffet open, come and get it’. Have you ever seen one hundred over 60’s form as a herd of wild beasts and behave like vultures. Apparently it’s usual at such functions.
Golf Day at Darnford Moors on 23rd:
Great day. Hit 89. Mushroom stroganoff for lunch. Struggled home at 4pm. Very stiff for squash match at 8.20pm. Won game. If only all days were like this.
Day out with Cousin Barry on 26th:
Met at the Shire Hall Stafford. This was a cultural day. It’s raining. My dear wife required to buy an umbrella and grumbled about paying £15 for a very classy little number from Boots. We saw the gaol downstairs At the Shire Hall and had same cakes in a small café inside the building which was really a corridor with people passing between you as you eat. Then we went to the oldest building in Stafford. I think Charles the 1st hid here. Is it just me but did he sleep in every 16th Century building that is still standing. It had tapestries and lots of history in it. Highlight of the day. Going back to the car park in the rain and using the small new umbrella. I think eventually it will be framed with an inscription ‘bought in Stafford at an extortionate price and inadequate for the use of keeping you dry – was made in China too’. It was still the subject of derision later in the year.

March
Cheltenham Festival Preview Evening Yard of Ale Birmingham 6pm 11th March:
Anyone who knows Smithy – our racing guru and organiser of race days, knows that the evening will involve initially, formalisation –an agenda to create a certain seriousness with the central aim of picking winners. In the twilight hours and having thrashed out the runners and riders of at least three races only, the conclusions reached are less than concrete. Most of the assembled are hazy through drinking dubious beer in a down trodden section of the bar next to the toilets. Others had drifted away without being noticed. I think its talking about the going and whether it will be good to soft for endless hours sends people on a journey of ‘get me out of here I’m going potty’.
Cheltenham Gold Cup 19th March:
All that talking, all that advice. I once again stand penniless with my dreams shattered at not making a wodge of money on several nags. But oh! What a lovely time about ten people can have, gossiping, exchanging risqué jokes and debating which horses are likely to win or not. Caught the wrong bus home which terminated at Pheasey. No, I didn’t know where that is either. Had to walk four miles home.

April
It’s just a general comment but I seem to be playing an awful lot of senior golf and squash matches during April. Why not!
Grand National Meeting Aintree 8th:
Best racing day out ever – I say that every year. A racing fans delight. Stood by the ‘Chair’ in a ditch before it actually started. I love Liverpool, the fresh cool breeze, the early spring sunshine, the starkness of the landscape, the friendliness of the ‘Scoucers’, their voices, the accent that makes every sentence seems like a question.. It adds up to a perfect and sometimes bizarre mix. Not to be missed.
Opticians Test 23rd:
Hate it. Sitting on a raised chair in a disco environment looking at letters through an eye device that was invented by Fred Scuttle. Who can read the bottom line any way. I had a polish friend who said to the optician ‘read it, read it he’s my best friend!’ It’s an old joke.

May
Nothing much except squash, cricket and a game at Wishaw Golf Club. I don’t like golf anymore. Particularly the 1st, 2nd, 3rd hole and so on. I want to break my clubs in half. Throw them in the lake. Stick them up the Club Professionals bottom. This is normal, according to other players.

June
England v Bangladesh Cricket on the 4th with Smithy:
Very relaxing. Went on the train to Old Trafford. The day was sunny and the beer cool. I explained the rules to Smithy. He listened but he watches Sky Sports and didn’t believe me. It rained late on. We sheltered our beer under a canopy. A smashing day.
North Yorkshire with the wife’s auntie and uncle and the mother in law 8-10th:
When I get there I drive a lot. They are aged. One North Yorkshire village is as beautiful as beautiful as the next as you drive through. Having absorbed it you forget it. All you want is a black coffee and a wee. The weight knackered the engines points, going up Sutton Bank. Eventually sorted out in December after several visits to the garage. Thanks.
Celia’s 70th Birthday 12th:
Not a surprise birthday but England were playing in a qualifying match of the football World Cup. I slipped away into the bar. My explanation of having a weak bladder was a smidge difficult after six visits. I owned up. I enjoyed seeing relatives I had not seen since our wedding and others I had seen but didn’t recognise – it’s been so long. I must attend more funerals. It was a nice time. We grouped in an elevated position. It emphasised some unusual dancing.
Broughton Heath Golf 15th:
My best round of golf. Played with the Captain. Cracked the first one straight down the middle (250yds) twenty yards short of the tee. Smashing feeling with everyone watching. Why can’t they watch everytime.

July
Sky Plus installation 5th:
Sky drilled many holes in my brickwork. I wasn’t pleased. It’s all about health and Safety and making the ladders secure confirmed the installer. Find out where they live and drill holes in their walls, see how they feel. We shouldn’t take this sort of thing lying down!
The wife’s birthday and the Sound of Music Birmingham Hippodrome 29th:
We had a great time. A lovely meal and….and….. I didn’t fall asleep during the performance. ‘Doe a deer a female deer’ is my favourite song now. I whistle it in the shower.
Dentist 30th. Forgot appointment:
Gracious apologises. Rearranged for ‘after the busy period’ in October. Also missed. I don’t drive that way anymore. I’m too embarrassed.

Torquay Dirty Weekend 13-15th August but the mother in Law came too:
I confess, it was an enjoyable time. Highlight – the magician/comedian on Saturday night said ‘tell me girls, does size matter’. Three women discussed the issues really seriously and came to the conclusion it did. ‘Yes I agree’ said the comedian. ‘I didn’t apply it once and all the wall paper dropped off’. Fire alarm at 03:30 Sunday morning. Mother in Law thought it was Armageddon. I did for a time.

Senior Golf end of season bash at Bromsgrove Golf Club 19th:
We were on the 15th when it rained. When I say it rained was an under exaggeration. The greens were awash. We carried on. I’m glad I had a change of clothes. The Captain said we were idiots for continuing (with his eyes). At the meal, they left a dish of new potatoes by me. They were heavily buttered with a sprinkle of parsley. I have a weakness. I forked a few. Then more. People began to notice. The Captain said he would like to make a speech – had I finished. One golfer now admits that every time he sees me he sees a potato coming towards him.

Cheltenham Racing 12th:
A great day out. Have been many times. We tread the same steps mostly. One would think it would get boring…This was no different… not really. I always think – this time I am going to produce a wodge of money so fat my wife will be astonished. I had two pound over from a late McDonalds before I caught the bus.
Cricket Club Dinner 13th:

We sat with Mick the Stick, George, ‘grandson of the great Britain pie eating champion 1925’ their respective wives and the two Scorers.
A good friend’s birthday German Market Birmingham 26th:
There is moose on the market. He’s always there. He stares at me from above the beer hut whilst singing German carols. We meet every year. Upon drinking a Kaiser lager, I begin early indications of my intent, by blowing kisses and singing back to it. Seven of us went to a curry house. I had vegetable madras. I like it hot. I was last to finish. I put my heavy coat on the back of a tall chair before we began. When I got up to go to the lavatory, my high backed chair fell back onto a table behind. The woman who was sitting nearest wasn’t funny about it. Well she was really. I know now what a ‘strange killer look’ is. I forgot the incident but later, stood up to take a picture of us all and my chair tippled back again on her and her elbow which was connected to a fork which shovelled part of her dinner onto the table cloth. I said, ‘in twenty years time we’ll laugh about this’. She didn’t seem convinced.

Newbury Racing 27th:
A fine but bitterly cold day for the Hennessy Gold Cup:
People laughed at my hat. I looked like Noddy said a friend and smirked as they all did. I won some money. They didn’t.

December Generally:
The weather (snow and frost) has curtailed golf, running, walking and living properly. Pretty miserable situation. We shopped for presents again and again. Also a pretty miserable situation. I don’t like December. I like Christmas Day. The Family came. We went to the ‘Shire Oak’ at lunchtime. That was fun. We opened presents. We had a smashing time. It’s my New Years resolution – to have a smashing time!


Read more: Short Story: A Year Looking At The Calender Only | Shortbread