A story of love, loss and life - Trifecta - lesbian sex

[rajkumari]

"Good. I hate it when you two fight. It puts me in a tug of war that I'm not very fond of." Lilah said.

"I'm none too fond of it either. I'm sorry I'm so stubborn sometimes. I can't say anything about Alex of course." I remarked with a laugh. "That's not important though, how are you doing babe?"

Lilah shrugged, "Just thinking, you know? I'm not sure how to feel exactly."

I had no answer for her and that bothered me as much as it did earlier. "Well if there's anything I can do for you just let me know." If I could do something to help her at all then I wouldn't feel like such a waste at least.

"Actually, I am really craving something. Would you mind getting it for me?"

"What do you want my love?" I asked, getting to my feet preemptively for whatever she needed.

Lilah shook her head and motioned with one finger for me to come closer. I leaned forward and she stretched up to press her lips against my ear. "I could really use a good cum right now." Her request took me by surprise to say the least, but that didn't mean I wasn't willing to fulfill it.

"I think I can make that happen." I husked and kissed her exposed neck. I could feel her pulse just under my lips, and how it quickened its pace at my touch. Lilah reached for the button on my pants but I stilled her hand. "I'm really not in the mood, let me just do you."

Lilah's brows furrowed, "Is this about what happened at the doctor's today?" I noticed how she keenly avoided the word 'cancer'.

"It's not that. I've been pulling some late hours lately and I'm really tired. I don't want you to waste your energy if I don't think I'll be able to get off." I lied smoothly, throwing up a good natured smile to seal the deal. I'll never know if Lilah believed me or not, but she let my excuse slide without question.

Although I wouldn't admit it to her, what happened earlier was the problem. In fact it wouldn't leave my mind no matter how much I willed it to. All of that was completely irrelevant though, Lilah had asked me to do something for her and I would do anything to oblige. Especially now that knew I was running out of time to wait on her every whim. I shook that disturbing thought from my head and pushed Lilah back on the bed with another fake smile before dropping to my knees in front of her.

I pushed Lilah's skirt up to her midsection and spread her legs apart. With a lick of my lips, I inched closer to the bed so I could have the best position. Lilah instinctively wrapped her legs around my neck, crossing her ankles against my back to lock me into position before throwing a wicked grin my way. I returned it with one of my own, holding her eyes even as I leaned down to touch the tip of my tongue to her panties.

Lilah hummed her approval and cocked her head, waiting to see what my next move would be. I pulled her panties to the side and licked up her slit before sucking her clit between my teeth. Lilah moaned out loudly, but quickly bit her lip hard to silence herself. It was cute that Lilah tried to consider Alex's delicate ears. Although I was pretty sure that Alex knew what we were doing up here very well despite all of the consideration Lilah could give.

If she still cared what her roommate was thinking I obviously wasn't doing well enough to properly distract Lilah. I upped my game by circling her tight hole with a fingertip. Lilah whimpered, knowing just what to expect as I plunged it in to the knuckle. She cried out again, this time turning her head into the comforter to muffle the sound. I battered her clit in my mouth and thrust into her at a quick, consistent tempo. Lilah was writhing on the bed at my every touch, looking more and more like a woman possessed with each passing moment.

Lilah gripped the bed with one clawed hand and lifted a finger to her mouth, before taking the tip between her teeth. I watched her bite down on the digit just before she threw her head back in ecstasy. That's when I felt the gush hit my lips. The hand she had in my hair tightened with the rest of her body, and I could feel her legs clenching around me hard. In that moment she was nothing but utterly radiant-no matter what else was going on in our lives that was the only thing that really mattered right now.

Lilah looked spent and satisfied, a silly grin spreading across her features. "I think I'm just gonna take a little nap." She mumbled out with a giggle.

"Go ahead babe." I whispered and kissed her forehead. "You deserve it."

I swung her legs up on the mattress and propped a pillow under her head to make sure she was comfortable. Part of me wanted to leave this room immediately. I hated that part of me that was willing to run so easily. Instead I sat with Lilah until she fell asleep, just playing with her hair and watching her breathe.

When I knew that she was in a deep slumber I crept out of the room slumped down against the wall and put my head in my hands. I had no idea how to process my feelings or thoughts. I felt like I was being just shutting down.

"What's wrong?" I didn't have to look up to recognize Alex's voice. I didn't want to look at her right now either.

"It doesn't matter." I finally managed to mumble out.

"C'mon, don't be like that." Alex said with a playful shove, clearly over the spat we had earlier.

I glared up at her, I wasn't meaning to stare so harshly but I couldn't help it. "Lilah just asked me to be...intimate with her." My voice sounded dead and cold. I didn't like the way it rung in my ears.

Alex shuffled a little awkwardly, "And?"

"It wasn't her I was touching, it was the cancer. I could feel it burning me from under her skin. Eating everything away inside of her." I could feel my features drop. The animosity in my stare gone, replaced by the pathetic, helpless face of despair. "My Lilah." I whispered and felt a single tear slide down my face.

Alex knelt down and pulled me close to her. "I know, I know." She whispered again and again. Her voice sounded like it was barely holding its own strength though.

"What are we gonna do?" I sobbed into her neck, not able to hold back myself anymore. Alex shook her head against my shoulder, her own warm tears falling on my skin. She didn't say another word though. She didn't know what to do any more than I did.

***

A lot of changes came soon after. Lilah finally let down her guard about moving in with me when we realized she was going to need more fulltime care. She argued against me but in the end my logic won out. Alex had to work eventually. I, however, could be at her beck and call all day. I even took the initiative to enroll in night classes to learn about the things I could do to better take care of Lilah and make her life as comfortable and fulfilled as I could.

Lilah had come to peace with whatever was going to happen and I envied her for that, because every day felt like it was tearing me apart. I couldn't concentrate on my work anymore, I stopped eating and I couldn't sleep at night. It was like I was the one that was told I wouldn't live to see my next birthday and not Lilah. I wanted to be strong for her, but I had no idea how. I felt like I was falling apart inside. How was I supposed to be her rock when I was so feeble?

Still, I was doing the best I could in the situation I had found myself in. Lilah was getting considerably thinner but she still looked happy and most days she was even pretty functional. The pain sometimes got bad, but usually I was able to mask my own panic to help her fight it off. Despite my roots in selfish nature, taking care of Lilah was making me more aware of what I could do for others, even when it was in conflict with my wants and needs.

Things were settling into their own new version of the norm as it was. A couple weeks passed from the initial news and Lilah had been having a particularly good day pain wise. Instead of lying up in bed she was stretched out across the couch with her head on my lap watching TV. She stared up at me curiously during a commercial break and asked me suddenly, "Would you take me to the beach?"

My immediate reaction was no. I loathed sand. It was the ironic twist of me living in California. Then I considered two things: the first being the many times I had sacrificed my feelings about the beach for Alex's sake and the second being my want to make Lilah happy at any cost.

"Anything to see your pretty smile." I said after the moment of consideration.

Lilah flashed me that smile and sat up slowly, "You're such a smooth talker."

"That's what swept you off your feet." I replied with a wink.

"I always thought it was for your money." Lilah joked.

My brows rose. "Oh, I see how it really is. My girlfriend is a good for nothing gold digger. Should have known better about any date that Ollie set me up with." I scoffed.

"Yeah right." Lilah said with a roll of her eyes. "Are we gonna keep arguing or do you wanna get out of here while it's still nice out?"

I was glad that I had agreed to take her, because I saw a side of Lilah that hadn't resurfaced in a long time. On the drive over she rolled down her window and let her fly in the breeze as she sang along to the radio. This was the Lilah I really missed.

Despite how happy she seemed to be, she didn't really have that life in her anymore. It was like the comparison Lilah had once made about my books. The newer ones weren't bad, but they were without a spark. Lilah was missing her spark now, but for a moment I got a second glance at it.

I helped Lilah out of the car and she laced her fingers in mine. Lilah hung off my arm as we made our way down the beach. I could imagine the shifting sands weren't easy on her fragile bones to walk on. She pointed out an empty patch near the shore and remarked "Let's go over there."

I nodded and gripped her hand tighter. "Sure thing."

I was wearing a light hoodie that I took off and spread on the ground before I helped Lilah down. "So, why the beach?" I asked, brushing my knees off and plopping down behind her.

"I don't know." Lilah shrugged, repositioning herself between my legs to lean her back against me. "Guess I just wanted to listen to the waves. It's soothing."

I kissed the top of her head and rested my chin there. "We could use more of that in our life."

"Yeah." Lilah said. She took hold of my wrists and wrapped them around herself, snuggling tighter into my embrace. This was the one thing that we had silently agreed on since the start of this whole mess, we couldn't be too close to each other. When I didn't know how many seconds left I had to hold her, I wanted to make sure that every single one I got counted. Likewise, when Lilah didn't seek me out that much before, now I found her initiating that closeness more often just as she was doing right now. "I'm sorry though."

"Sorry for what?"

Lilah looked up at me with a coy grin, "I know how much you hate the beach."

"Yeah, but I love you." I said and gave her a quick kiss.

"I know I've said this before, but you're nothing like I originally expected Marley Denning." Lilah whispered, resting her head on my shoulder so she could look at me while she spoke. "You're not an arrogant, egotistical, selfish playgirl. You're sweet and loyal. Generous, compassionate and above all completely devoted to the people you care about. I was so lucky to fall in love with you."

I stroked down her cheekbone with my thumb and beamed. "I was all of those terrible things you expected me to be. The first time I met you I considered the possibility of picking you up for a one night stand, and let me assure you that would have been the last you saw of me." I admitted with a dark chuckle, glad that side of me was long dead. "It's you that's special. You made me want to be better and change all of that bad in me. I'm lucky to have found you."

Lilah gnawed on her lip. She did that on only two occasions, when she was horny or when she was worried. I was pretty sure she wasn't horny by the thick line appearing over her eyes, so I had to guess that she was stressing over something. That was the last thing she needed.

"What is it?" I asked.

Lilah looked as if she were considering something before she opened her mouth to speak. "Can you promise me something?"

"Anything." I said and I meant it too.

Lilah's stare dug into me in a slightly uncomfortable way. "Don't become that again."

"What do you mean?" I was utterly confused at what she was trying to get at. Don't become what again?

"When this is all said and done, don't become that terrible person again."

I shook my head violently, refusing to listen. My voice took on the hard edge of the desperate man that would rather put his head in the sand and suffocate himself than face the hard truth of what may be going on around him. "No. I'm not going to hear you talk like that. There's still a chance we can beat this."

Lilah smiled. It was a sweet, kind smile that meant no harm in the least. "Marley, will you please just promise me? If you're right then this means nothing and you can forget that I ever asked. If I'm right though...it would just be a great comfort to my mind. Is that asking too much?"

I hated it when she threw logic at me that I couldn't refute. "Fine, I promise." I said without much conviction behind it.

"You better mean that." Lilah warned me.

I searched her face and could see how much this clearly meant to her. I nodded, my voice taking a more genuine tone than before. "I mean it Lilah. I won't go back to that life again."

Lilah seemed pleased with what I said this time and dropped the topic. Instead she turned her face into my neck and closed her eyes before heaving a deep sigh of contentment. I squeezed her slight frame carefully, but with the ferocity that showed my utter and undying love for her.

There would be no reason to keep the promise I made to Lilah. She wasn't going anywhere. I would make damn sure of that.

***

I lay in bed with Lilah later that night. We had made love with the passion that our relationship originally had and not once did I think about the cancer. At least not until much later when I thought Lilah had gone to sleep and I was left alone with my thoughts.

I thought about what she had made me promise, and how adamant she was that I made such a promise to her. I didn't want to think so callously, but what did it matter to Lilah if she did die? It's not like she would be able to change anything from beyond the grave.

This thought process made me feel like an asshole though. Lilah wanted me to promise because she cared about me. She didn't want me to slip back into a pattern of self destruction. Still, was she so convinced that I would regress so quick without her around? Did she have such a lack of faith in me that I would back slip the moment she wasn't around?

Thought after though pestered me until Lilah spoke suddenly and scared me out of my skin. "You have to sleep sometime you know." Her voice whispered into the darkness.

"So do you." I could have just agreed with her, but the hypocrisy was too easy to point out. "Why are you still up?"

"Mm-mm." she hummed, shaking her head and tickling my bare skin with her hair. "This isn't about me Marley."

I chuckled once, you couldn't detour Lilah in any negotiation. "I'm just thinking. There's nothing that you need to worry about."

"What are you thinking about dear?"

I frowned, "I don't think you want to talk about it."

Lilah was silent for a moment. Then she said, "We can talk about it. It's not going to make me feel bad."

I had a million things I wanted to ask her about this. How was she handling this when no one else was around? What had she been thinking? Did she regret anything?

"Doesn't it scare you?" I finally asked in a whisper.

Lilah shook her head again. "It is what it is." That was the common answer from Lilah about anything concerning her sickness.

"I don't know how you can just brush it all off like that." I huffed, not liking her answer one bit. I wanted to know that she was scared, because maybe then I could confirm that Lilah was indeed human. The way that she had handled everything since the diagnoses was incredible to say the least, but on some level it was a little too incredible.

Didn't the dark part of the disease seep into her at all? Inciting negative thoughts and feelings or creating a deep depression that she just hid well? I didn't understand Lilah's reactions one bit and that frustrated me more than my lack of understanding on how to deal with it on my end.

"I'm not brushing anything off. I'm also not filling my head with dreams of a second chance when it's unlikely. Expect the worst, accept the best. That's how I've been getting through one day at a time. I know that probably sounds a bit cold, but it's helped me enjoy the really good things when they happen." Lilah said, her breath floating over my skin and raising goosebumps all over my flesh.

"I can't think of any good things that have happened in awhile." I muttered coldly.

"So you didn't have a good time with me today?" Lilah asked and I could imagine one of her brows had risen on its own accord to question me as well.

"No. I had a great time today." I said quickly, feeling a trap coming on.

"Today was the best day I've had all month. Every little thing meant something to me." Lilah admitted.

I understood her a little bit more after I heard those words. She just wanted the simple things from life and from me. She wasn't expecting a miracle or some act of magic. She just wanted to wake up and enjoy the days while she still could.

Perhaps I had been looking too broadly at this whole thing. It didn't matter if I knew every little thing about the disease or learned enough to become her caregiver. Maybe the best thing I could do for Lilah was to just be around as much as I could, to touch and talk and listen to her.

"It was a really good day." I agreed and kissed her forehead. "I want to make every day as good as this one was for you."

"That's a tall order." Lilah said. "But I think you work best when you're given a good challenge."

"I'm glad you have so much faith in me." I chuckled. "How about we both try and get some sleep tonight, hmm?"

"I like that plan." Lilah hummed and kissed my neck.

January, 2006

I would be lying if I said I hadn't lost any of the resolve I had about saving Lilah in the coming weeks. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy came and went, as did countless surgeries to remove the tumors, but still she got worse. None of this ever got Lilah down though. She always stayed optimistic at every option they gave her and more often than not ended up lifting my spirits about the whole situation.

The doctor's suggested moving Lilah into a full time residency room at the hospital so they could monitor her progress more effectively. Neither me, nor Lilah, were thrilled about this idea of course. However her state couldn't just be ignored either. Lilah was literally withering away by each passing day. If they could make it so I had even one more day with her I was willing to jump through any hoops they placed in front of me.

It was around this time that Lilah realized she couldn't keep this a secret between me, her and Alex. She called her brother the first day she spent in the hospital without me knowing at all. Imagine my surprise when I went down to the cafeteria to get Lilah a snack and came back to Bobby, Pockets and their little guy Jackson all sitting around Lilah's bed.

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"Just having a little visit." Lilah said bouncing Jackson off of a blanket covered knee. "Did you get the yogurt I like?"

I nodded and put the tray down next to her. "Of course."

[rajkumari]

"Why didn't you tell us sooner Marley?" Bobby said abruptly and fixed me with a hard stare. If looks could kill I would be keeled over on the floor with the heat Bobby was throwing at me with just a glance. Definitely something that ran in the family.

I sputtered, not knowing what the hell I was supposed to tell him. Thankfully Lilah saved me. "I haven't told anyone really, Marley was just respecting my wish for privacy." She said this without looking at either of us. Instead she cooed over the little boy giggling in her grasp.

Pockets looked on fondly at the two of them and I couldn't help but join her. Lilah looked so comfortable and natural with a baby in her arms. She would have been an amazing mother if things would have gone differently. I might have even enjoyed that process myself. My gut twisted up at thought of the imminent future and all the things that would never be.

"I still wish you would have told me sooner, before it got this bad." Bobby said, the overwhelming helplessness creeping into his voice. I knew the feeling well and I sympathized with him instantly.

Lilah just stared at him without saying anything. That stare said she didn't want to burden him and his family. It said that she didn't mean any harm. More than anything, that stare said that it wouldn't have made a difference when he found out; the result was still going to be the same no matter what. Lilah was positive and optimistic, but something inside her had become cold and blunt as well. Not at all the naïve girl I had first met last year.

Bobby looked stunned and betrayed at her intense gaze. I touched him above the elbow. "Why don't you talk a walk with me Bobby B?" I whispered low enough for only us to hear.

He nodded slowly, still staring at the withering form of his little sister. "Sure."

The hospital had a beautiful garden on the grounds. There were decorative fountains placed around it and benches every few feet. I'd had lunch here on more than one occasion when I was afraid of waking Lilah up. It had an incredible ability to soothe me so I figured it was as good as any place to take Bobby to cope with everything going on.

Bobby sunk down onto one of the benches and put his head in his hands. "You still should have told me." He muttered to the ground.

"You're right, I should have." I agreed. "It hasn't been easy though. No offense but telling you guys, or anybody for that matter, was the last thing on my mind. I've just been trying to make every day she has worth living."

"I've always been there to protect her." He said, his voice choking up. "How come I wasn't able to protect her from this?"

I kneeled in front of Bobby and put a hand on his knee. "I've been wondering that myself for weeks on end."

"I know you must think I'm overbearing when it comes to Lilah, but I feel responsible for her. Our parents were deadbeats and I basically raised her. I've always been afraid of something bad happening to her so I got overprotective." Bobby wiped his sleeve across his nose and looked up at me with red rimmed eyes. "And I still let her down."

"No, no, no. You didn't let her down Bobby." I said softly. Trying to be patient like Lilah would have been.

"I could have done something; I could have helped her somehow." He argued, his voice getting hysterical again.

I threw my arms around Bobby, the closest thing I had ever had to a brother, and squeezed him tight. "Listen to me. This isn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything that we didn't try to do already."

"It's not fair." He growled, getting angry before he cried again. I could relate to that too, I had gone through all these stages already. "It's just not fair. Why does it have to be her?"

"That's what I keep asking myself." I muttered, feeling near tears myself as I helped him cope with all of this at once. "She's better than anyone I've ever met. Why her?"

Bobby sat back and took my shoulders in his big hands. "I'm glad she found you Marley, I know you're doing everything that I would in this situation."

"It hasn't been just me. Alex has been around a lot too." Bobby's jaw clenched at the mere mention of Alex's name but I put my hands up to stop him before he started saying something. "I know how you feel about her. I just thought you should know. She really does care about Lilah, they're thick as thieves."

"I know." He said begrudgingly.

"Do you want to head back to the others?" I asked, trying to change the subject before he got all worked up. The last thing I needed was him slipping a snarky comment about Alex in front of Lilah or Pockets.

"Yeah, okay." He said and paused, not looking at me. "Thanks Marley. This is all just so overwhelming."

"Trust me, I understand." I muttered.

***

The biggest change that happened from Lilah's move to the hospital was the increasing amount of time that Alex and I began spending together. It was a slow thing at first, she would stop by a couple of days a week and we would watch TV in semi silence for a few hours and then she would leave.

As the days drug on though she began to spend an increasing amount of time with me and eventually we began to open up to each other about what was really going on and how we really felt. It was hard, but I think we both just needed to get some of this negativity off of our chests. More than anything though, I think both of us just needed a friend that understood what the other was going through.

Not too long after the little family reunion that Lilah planned, Alex had come over to hang out like usual. Although came over wasn't quite a strong enough word. She practically knocked my door down announcing her presence loudly, "I brought a six pack and a pie, which do you want first?"

"I could go for a slice." I said. "How did your day go?"

Alex shrugged, dropping the pizza in my lap and setting two beers on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Tedious. How 'bout you?"

"Same old bullshit as any other day."

"Did you see Lilah?" Alex already knew the answer. It was more of a courtesy question at this point.

"Yeah." I shrugged. "They wanted to run some tests so I left early."

"How's she doing?" Alex never looked like she enjoyed asking that question, but it was as much a courtesy as the other.

"She's staying positive about things. Optimistic as usual, you know?" I told her and picked a slice out of the box.

"That doesn't quite answer the question, Marley." Alex pointed out and took a swig of her beer.

"She's not getting any better." I whispered. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do anymore, she's just wasting away."

"Can I ask you a hard question? You may not have an answer yet, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately." Alex stared at her hands as she spoke. That apprehension in her voice wasn't a part of Alex's nature at all. She was bold and brash normally. It unnerved me to know what her question might be.

"Okay. Shoot." I replied.

Alex searched my face, like she needed some extra affirmation before she said whatever she needed to say. "What are you going to do if all this goes south?"

Like always, when someone mentioned the inevitability of Lilah's death, I became furious in an instant. However, the question was something that I hadn't considered yet and it quelled the rage in me until it boiled down to plain confusion.

"I haven't thought about it really. I've been so focused on making sure that it doesn't go south." I admitted.

Alex obviously had thought about this however. It made me curious about the other things she may have considered that I've completely neglected with my tunnel vision. "Maybe you should think about it." She suggested with a shrug and flipped open the top of the pizza box. "Your choice of course, but it might be good to have some kind of plan."

"Have you thought about what you're going to do?" I fired back at her, not wanting to think about it myself due to sheer cowardice.

"I'm not going to do anything. I don't need a plan."

"Then why do I need one?" I asked in near outrage.

Again Alex seemed hesitant to speak. "I just don't want to see you caught off guard, that's all."

I knew what she really meant by that. Trouble hits and I run, so pick a direction before just setting off. Alex was expecting me to just leave any day. She was probably surprised I had stuck around this long.

"Let's just hope there isn't a need for a plan. Lilah could still pull through." I said calmly. I noticed that I was able to keep my temper even on the outside even when I was boiling on the inside. Lilah has definitely rubbed off on me.

"It's possible. I still have hope that she'll beat it." Alex said and nodded solemnly. "So, uh, you write anything recently?" she clearly didn't want to talk about this anymore than I did.

"No. My imagination feels completely shot, haven't wrote in months."

"So whatever happened to that super secret project of yours anyways?" I knew Alex was pressing in another direction to steer the conversation into a happier place, but this wasn't really the right way to go for that.

"I think I'm gonna scrap it, haven't touched that in awhile." For good reason too, I was writing that novel for Lilah. It hardly seemed worth the time to finish it now. "This is completely off the wall, but do you wanna go out skate?"

"Sure that's a good idea? You can't stay on the board when you're sober." Alex said with a nudge to my ribs.

"Do you want to go or not? We could always stay right here and sit on our asses. I just thought a nice ride might take my mind off of stuff." I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling strangely indignant.

"Well, you're in luck. I happen to keep my gear in the trunk at all times. You never know when you'll see a spot that you have to kill, y'know?" Alex grinned. "Follow me."

Alex took out her board from the back of her car and threw me the spare she had with her. "I have no idea where to go from here." I said and set the board on the cement

"Obviously. How about you just try and keep up and we'll go from there." Alex suggested.

"Just like old times?"

"Sure." She grinned. "Just like old times."

Alex pushed off her back foot to get rolling and I followed suit. It was still a little awkward, given that my body was bigger and my brain held more rational fears about this than I did as a child. Regardless of all that, skating was-for lack of a better term-like riding a bike. The longer I simply rode around the more my body remembered what it was supposed to do. It was complete muscle memory.

Even though I was getting the hang of it, I still felt like I looked a little out of my depth on this board when I was pressing thirty. Alex however looked cool as a cucumber, like she was made to ride. It was exactly how I remembered.

She had such control of her body when she would skate. It was the most amazing act of agility I had ever seen in my life. She could turn on a dime with just a flick of her hip and completely manipulate the board with just her ankles. On top of that, you could never catch her off balance. Not once had I ever seen Alex fall off of a skateboard.

"Let's take a little break here." I said, turning my feet to skid the board to a stop.

Alex kept going and I thought she either hadn't heard me or completely ignored me. Then she did a quick one eighty and turned back around towards me. She barreled forward with no sign of stopping and at the last second popped a kick flip and caught her board before planting her feet hard on the concrete.

"Okay." She said simply with a cheeky smile.

"Show off." I muttered and snatched my own board from the ground.

"Just a little. I never get the chance to anymore." Alex remarked and hunkered down on the sidewalk.

I joined her on the curb and grinned, "Always flyin' solo, huh?"

"Pretty much." Alex stared at the sky and nodded. "It's been nice hanging out actually. Maybe I needed the company."

"Or maybe you needed a friend." I suggested with a shrug.

"Probably closer to the truth." Alex chuckled.

"I feel the same way. I think I would have gone insane by now if I didn't have someone to talk to about everything going on." I paused and then added what had been floating through my head. "I'm really glad that person is you Alex. I've always felt like you understood where I'm coming from."

"I feel that way too. Regardless of what happened between us, you were always a really good friend Marley." Alex admitted with her traditional lopsided grin.

I knew it meant a lot for her to admit that to me and in no way did I take her admission lightly. "Thanks Alex. You're not too bad yourself."

"Okay, don't get sappy on me. Let's get moving while the night is young." Alex declared with a slap to her knees and stood up.

The more time I spent with her the more I realized that Alex hadn't really changed at all. Not through time or the crazy ordeal that we faced now. She was still the same adventurous, laid back, confident and fun person I first met-the archetypal California girl.

As much as I envied Lilah's peace in life, I envied Alex's youthful spirit. Unlike her, I had grown far apart from the child I once was. I had become cold and calculated where I was once naïve and curious, and somehow that made me harder to the world than I ever wanted to be. Alex could be moody and spiteful, but most of the time she was just carefree to the worries that the world offered. I wanted that so much.

"Are you coming?" Alex asked, staring at me impatiently.

"Yeah." I said slowly, pulling myself from the rabbit hole I was digging. "Yeah, I'm right behind you."

***

It was like any other night that I had come to visit Lilah. I had already been there for a few hours and after the initial catching up she always asked of me, we simply sat there. Lilah and I had found ourselves spending a lot more time in silence lately, just holding each other's hand. I think that neither of us had the words we really wanted to say anymore. Or maybe they didn't even exist in the first place. Tonight though, Lilah had something to say after our long lull of quiet time.

She licked her lips before she spoke, "Would you do me a favor?" the words came out as a soft croak, not at all like the rich, beautiful voice she once had.

"Get some more water?" I anticipated her need and stood to get it before she could even answer.

"Yes. But that wasn't what I was going to say." She replied, sounding breathless.

I handed her the glass and set her with a look of mock disbelief, "So you're asking for two favors? Boy, are you getting greedy."

My joke felt humorless, but I did it for Lilah's sake and not mine. I knew that it made her feel better when I acted like I usually did. Even if it was painful for me to put on a farce sometimes.

She managed a small grin, "I know. I'm horrible."

I knew she was just joking, but to hear those words come off her lips made me feel like the world's biggest jackass. "What do you need my love?" I asked quietly, all kidding shoved aside.

"Would you read to me? If it's not too much trouble."

"No trouble at all." I assured her.

Lilah smiled a little wider. It was a silhouette of the smile I fell in love with. "I have a book in the drawer there." she nodded at the nightstand between us.

"Okay." I said and retrieved the book, before sitting on the edge of the bed next to her. It was well worn and dog eared, the signs of a book that had been read and loved. I traced my thumb across the cover art of the novel, feeling the lines. This was the book I had given her just last year, a little while after we met; my special copy of Shadow's Tide. I wondered how many times she had been through it since then.

"There's no marker. Did you want me to just start from the beginning?" I asked my voice very low.

"Mmhmm." She hummed.

"Okay." I said again and breathed a deep sigh. No big deal, just going to read one of my novels to the love of my life. Absolutely no big deal at all. I cracked the spine of the book and flipped to the first page.

Before I could start reading though, Lilah put her hand on my arm. I looked up instantly at her touch. She was still wearing that content smile, not at all looking afraid like she had the last few times I saw her.

"I love you." She said in no more than a whisper.

"I love you too." I choked, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to start flowing suddenly.

We stared at each other for another moment until Lilah motioned towards the book once more with a tap on my arm. I nodded and turned my gaze back to the pages.

"Chapter one." I said and cleared my throat quickly. I had never done a reading of one of my books before, there was something about hearing them aloud that unnerved me. This would be interesting if nothing else.

"Armac ran frantically through the timber lined trail of Tsarnin. He could feel his pursuers' right on his heels. Though he had no recollection of what he had done to create such an angry mob. His limbs began to feel heavy and hot as lead but he continued to push himself forward. Armac knew one thing for sure-he didn't want to hand himself over to that lot.

"Then all at once, the thundering sound of footfalls vanished completely. Armac spun around and his jaw dropped in disbelief. Just a moment earlier there were at least a hundred men and women willing to tear him limb from limb. Now there was no one. Armac stood completely alone.

"At least he thought he was completely alone. There was someone-something-there with him. It chose not to show itself yet, watching in amusement at Armac's anxious, jerky movements as he spun around and tried to ground himself to his surroundings.

"'The chosen son of Archanon.' The thing spoke, its voice dark and ominous like the gloom it seemed to embody.

"'Who's there?' Armac bellowed.

"The shadows began to shift around him, taking on form and then dissipating like smoke. Armac's eyes darted in every direction, trying to make some sense of what was happening to him. Then he saw it.

"The words to describe what Armac saw didn't exist-at least not in any language that he knew. He could tell though just from the way this thing glided on the shadows towards him that it was ancient and powerful. You could feel both of these things emanating from it as much as the misty shade that it presumably was creating out of thin air.

"The closer this thing got to Armac, the more he began to hear noises. It was a sort of chanting, but the sound wasn't like any mortal creature he had ever heard. It wasn't something that he could put his finger on, the voices just sounded off.

"This creature that was old as time reached out a long fingered hand towards Armac. Its skin, if you could call it that, was pitch black and had a wispy texture that seemed to emanate off of it as well as surround it like an aura. Armac had never encountered any such creature in the natural world, and the fear he felt suddenly paralyzed him.

"The chanting became louder and louder, until it was deafening. Armac wanted to clap his hands over his ears and drown that noise out, he wanted to run in any direction that wasn't right here but he was completely grounded to the spot. There was absolutely nothing he could do.

"Armac swore that he saw some semblance of a smile on the creature, despite it not having a face, right before it touched him. Although touched wasn't the right word. This creature plunged its hand inside of Armac, as if his flesh were a pool of water. He could feel the smoky fingers wrap around his heart and begin to tug.

"I'm about to die. Armac thought wildly, unable to do anything except watch. He steeled himself for the inevitable to happen, but it all disappeared as soon as he was resolute in his fate. The trees, the shadows, the terrifying ancient creature had all vanished, and somehow Armac himself was on the ground staring up.

[rajkumari]

"Armac sat up in a start. He was panting heavily, the cold sweat pouring off his body. Looking around with frantic eyes he realized that it was all a dream. He was safe in bed. His wife still lay in a peaceful slumber beside him.

"With a sigh Armac lay back down and put a hand over his face. He felt like he had been running as hard as he had in his dream. His heart was still pulling a double time pace and the echoes of the dream world still rang in his ears. Although now they felt very far away.

"Except the chanting. It continued to buzz in his brain long after the other sounds had faded. The chanting that made it impossible for Armac to find sleep again.

"Seven horses long to ride

You cannot run, you cannot hide

They'll take you to the other side

Straight into the Shadow's Tide.

I flipped the last page of the first chapter and looked up to see Lilah before continuing on. She had fallen asleep sometime during the story and I hadn't even realized it. I laughed once to myself with a shake of my head and watched her for another minute.

She looked so peaceful when she slept, it was probably the only time she did anymore. Her hands were clasped on her stomach. They rose and fell with the slow even pace of her breathing. I noticed the same content grin was still on her face from earlier and somehow that made me happy. Something as simple as reading her a story made her smile again. If that was all it took I would read to her every single day.

I leaned over and kissed her forehead before standing from the bed. There was a short debate whether I should go home tonight, but I decided against it. I wanted to be here if she needed me in the middle of the night, and there was nothing at home that couldn't wait until tomorrow.

With that thought in mind I settled into the chair next to Lilah's bed and reached over to place my hand on hers. It was uncomfortable, but it was worth it. I just couldn't sleep without feeling her next to me anymore.

***

I heard the shuffling feet just before I heard the monitor's screech. I sat up feeling startled and disoriented. That's when I noticed the nurse kneeling beside me.

"Ms. Denning I need to get you out of here." She said in the soft, patient tone that sounded rehearsed.

I may have been half asleep but they weren't ushering me out of anywhere. Whatever had to be done for Lilah, I would be here to support her. "I'm not leaving Lilah." I said sounding more like a stubborn child determined to get their way than an adult.

The nurse frowned. "Ms. Weber passed this morning. I'm terribly sorry for your loss Ms. Denning."

I heard the words she was saying but I couldn't process them. They just couldn't be true. It wasn't possible. There was no way that Lilah could be dead. I knew what science and medicine had said, but I believed somehow that an otherworldly miracle would save her

I peeked around the nurse and saw two other nurses and a doctor standing around Lilah's bed, unhooking her from the monitors and machines. I pushed the nurse aside and approached her bed, not knowing what to expect but having to see it for myself. Her face still retained the ghost of the smile that she had last night after I read to her, but now her jaw hung open slightly in and her skin was an ashy grey instead of the pale pink I was used to. I felt like I was going to be sick the longer I stared at her.

"Ms. Denning, I really think it would be better if you left." The nurse persisted and this time I didn't argue. I nodded dumbly and let her lead me down to the cafeteria where I sat with a coffee I didn't touch. I stared blankly at the wall, completely numb inside.

At some point-it could have been five minutes or five hours later, time was suddenly irrelevant to me-I realized that Alex would have no way of knowing what had happened yet. I took out my phone and dialed her number. She answered on the first ring, "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

The first surge of pain hit me then, when I knew I had to deliver the news to someone else. "It's over." I said simply and hung up. It was cowardly but I couldn't stand to think of what Alex might have said next.

Frankly, it just didn't matter anymore. My heart went dead inside the moment I realized Lilah's had stopped beating. There were no words that anybody could say to me right now that could lift me up or put me down any further.

In an ironic twist I finally understand why Lilah kept repeating the same thing through this entire process. It was the only real truth that she could hang her hat on at the end of the day. Perhaps it was the only real truth life had to offer anyone.

"It is what it is." I muttered.

February, 2006

"Everyone will understand if you don't want to go. No one will judge you." Alex told me, leaning against the doorframe to my room.

I shook my head. "I have to go."

Alex bit her lip. "I'll be waiting for you downstairs then."

I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled roughly before standing up. "Okay Denning, you can do this." I muttered to myself and tried my best to believe it.

Today was the day we put Lilah in the ground. A piece of me wanted to take Alex's advice and just stay in bed today and forget about everything, but I couldn't stay in my own sea of sorrow and self despair. I had to keep putting on my pants and living life each day, this day was no different.

I couldn't believe it had already been three weeks since Lilah had passed. Every day seemed to go by in a haze until they all melded together into one jumbled memory that I was likely to repress. If I thought that I was becoming useless before, I had no idea what was going to happen to me when Lilah actually did pass. I believed so much that everything was going to work out, but in the end I really should have taken Alex's advice and thought about my contingency plan more.

I opted for my beat up old glasses over the contacts today and met Alex downstairs before we headed to the event I was dreading more than my own death. She had been staying in the guest room for the past couple of weeks, helping me keep my pieces together since things fell apart. She had the same soothing effect on me that Lilah once had. It was a bit of a win/lose situation though. On one hand she made me feel a little better, on the other hand however I knew that Alex was just a replacement for Lilah-a rebound girlfriend almost. The good feelings from the former always wore off when I remembered the latter.

Alex parked but I didn't get out at first. It was weird being here again. In the place that Lilah and the rest of them grew up, especially since was the first time I had been here with Alex since we were teenagers. Almost on cue, Alex looked over at me, "I can give you a few minutes if you need."

I shook my head. "No, I'm ready." With a big exhale I got myself under control and finally stepped out of the car.

There were plenty of people in the entrance hall already despite the fact that we were early. Each of them were mingling and grieving in their own ways. I hung back and looked around at the variety of people that had come to grieve over Lilah. There was a blend of familiar faces and complete strangers, which was no surprise to me at all. Lilah seemed to influence folks wherever she went.

I noticed my Aunt Tanya standing next to Bobby and Pockets in the far corner after a few moments. Like Lilah, Tanya looked like a shadow of herself due to the disease ripping through her body. She was here though, she was alive. Somehow my fifty something year old aunt with HIV outlived a twenty four year old in the prime of her life. It wasn't fair to feel mad at Tanya for Lilah's death. At the same time though, it wasn't fair how life was cut short for Lilah either.

Bobby and Pockets didn't look much better. Neither one looked like they had much sleep lately, and I don't think it had anything to do with having a child under a year old. Jackson, their tiny son with his bright red cheeks was the only one that looked like he was alive at all in that group. With a sigh I decided if I was going to talk to anyone it should probably be them and made my way over to their little circle.

"Hey." I said simply, melancholy dripping off the single word.

Tanya hugged me while the other two looked on with faces of despair. My aunt pulled me back to arms length and took a good look at me. "You look terrible kiddo."

"Speak for yourself." I shot back callously. I mumbled my apologies immediately after though. "Sorry."

Tanya laughed once, only it was more of cackle than a laugh. The sound reminded me of an old witch. "No, you're right. I look half dead already."

"Don't talk like that." Pockets hissed.

"Better to face the truth than blind yourself in ignorance dear." Tanya replied smoothly.

It was something that Lilah would have said to me if the two of us were in Pockets and Tanya's positions. I had always thought that Lilah had wisdom well beyond the years of her youth, and now I had an idea of where that might have come from. This made me wish I had spent more time learning from Tanya. It also made me miss Lilah terribly all over again. I had a feeling that wouldn't be the last time today that the hurt resurfaced in my heart.

"No, you shouldn't listen to me. You're still beautiful auntie." I argued.

"Don't want none of your pity Marley Elizabeth, and I don't need it either." Tanya said in the scolding tone only a parent figure can take.

"Yes ma'am." I said with a bowed head.

"Well, it wouldn't be a gathering without Marley getting into trouble." Alex declared, finally coming over to join us. A hush fell over our little group at her sudden presence.

Pockets was the first to speak, "You cut your hair."

Alex grinned and toyed with a lock of her brunette hair that came just past her jaw line. "Yeah, it got too long to take care of."

"It's needed a cut for awhile. I used to get hit in the face by that hair when I would skate too close." Bobby scoffed.

"Don't stand so close then, it's a natural defense mechanism." Alex replied with a wink and we all had a brief, albeit pleasant chuckle.

Somehow the tension that had been stated so many times on both Alex and Bobby's sides had dissipated. Perhaps it was their mutual respect for Lilah, or maybe they realized that they were carrying a feud that was irrelevant now that she was dead. Either way I was happy to see them talking civilly. If there was one thing that could be said about Lilah it was that she could bring people together-in life and in death.

"You did a great job putting all this together, honey." Tanya said and regarded Alex fondly. She then looked at me and back to Alex again. "I know Lilah's passing hasn't been easy for any of us, but you two have gone through the most and still found time to give back as much as you could. I appreciate that so much."

"I second that." Pockets said.

"Me too." Bobby agreed.

I looked at Alex, unsure of how I should feel about being praised for doing the right thing. To me I was just doing what I thought you were supposed to do for someone you love, and if I were to ask Alex I'm sure she would have said something along the same lines. It was a messed up world we were living in when the correct action in any situation becomes a rarity that needs congratulating.

"Thanks." Alex said in a low voice, sounding almost as uncomfortable as I was feeling.

"Yeah, thanks." I mumbled. I hadn't really done anything, but I was thankful for Alex. She had taken care of everything that I couldn't, planning this funeral and making sure everyone got here. The only thing that I really covered was expenses, which didn't say much for my character.

"Speaking of that, we should probably get everything started soon." Alex said in that same small voice from a minute ago.

I nodded, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I had never been to a funeral before and in turn I had no idea what to expect next. I did know that eventually someone would ask me to talk and I would break down then, I wouldn't be able to handle the overwhelming reality that Lilah was really and truly gone and I would simply shatter.

I took in a deep breath and steeled myself before nodding again. "Whatever you think is best." I said.

Alex motioned for the four of us to follow her into the bigger room where Lilah's memorial and casket were laid out. I felt a jittery panic rise in my chest at the thought of being close to that casket, where the dead, cold remains of Lilah laid and would continue to lay for all eternity. I reminded myself to breathe again and chanted 'you'll be fine' on repeat in my brain.

People had already begun to fill the seats around the large round room where the memorial was taking place, even before me, Alex and the rest of the gang came in. That was a light comfort-that I wouldn't have to wait long to get things started. The sooner it all got started, the sooner it would be over and I couldn't wait for this whole experience to be over already.

I was sure this was my opportunity for closure or whatever, but all I really wanted was to not have to even think about it for another six months-or longer preferably. Call me a coward if you will, but the thought of doing any of the things I would have to do today nearly drove me to insanity. I would rather slip back into a delusional dream that Lilah could still come back than have to face it all head on like I was being forced to now.

When things began to finally start, I sat stoic and numb next to Tanya with an unreadable expression on my face. I watched at least half the guests march on stage to tell their testament of how Lilah had touched their life in one way or another and how much they would miss her, reminding me again and again that she was really gone and that she was never coming back. Every sweet word they spoke for my love drove a bitter stake in my heart as the reality slapped me in the face harder and harder.

Just when I felt like I couldn't take any more mental punishment Alex nudged me and motioned to the stage with her head. Just like I thought, she expected me to say something before we wrapped this up. Unlike earlier though, I didn't think I could now. It was hard to breathe and I think if I opened my mouth I would just start bawling like the pathetic baby I felt like inside.

Alex pleaded me with her eyes, the hazel of her irises going a warm gold as she lifted her chin in the direction of the stage once more. She pouted her lip, practically begging me at this point. With what felt like the millionth heavy sigh I had exhaled today, I stood up and made my way to the lone microphone a few feet in front of the casket.

My gaze wandered back to where my dead lover lay and lingered for awhile. There was a patient silence that those gathered here held for me while I looked at Lilah for what was presumably the last time. She looked much like she did when I first found her dead. There was a content peacefulness to the features of her face, despite not having any real expression there.

Dead people usually don't have much expression on their face.

"Many of you don't know me," I started finally, still casting my eyes at Lilah as I spoke. "But I loved Lilah more than I had ever loved anyone. We only had a short time together, but she had become my whole world. She meant everything to me."

I cast my glance back to the crowd gathered and uttered a small chuckle, it sounded a little hysterical to my ears but I pressed on without giving it much thought. "Because that's what Lilah did to you. She seeped into your subconscious and under your skin until she was tugging at your heart. It was amazing how she could touch someone's life like that.

"I bet in one way or another Lilah has helped every person here through words of encouragement or good advice or simply being a shoulder you could lean on. She was wiser than her years and not once did she ever complain. She was always concerned about everyone else being okay, but she never took that time for herself.

"The last thing that Lilah would want from anyone that she cared about was to have them worry about her, and so I would also wager that pretty much everyone here just heard the news recently. I'm sure many of you are still in shock. Honestly I am too and I lived with her. How does a perfectly capable, active, healthy twenty four year old woman just die?" I inhaled roughly and a shudder shook through me, this was getting harder every second.

She's gone, she's really gone.

Alex stood up and walked over to me in long, rushed strides. She put a comforting arm around my shoulder and grabbed one of my hands in hers. "I'm here for you." She whispered in my ear and I swallowed back the tears that begged to come out.

Not yet, I couldn't cry just yet.

"Well I've been wondering that too. And I still don't have an answer. I know she's happy though, I know she's safe and most of all I know the suffering is over. I'm thankful for that, and for the short time that I had with Lilah."

I didn't know what else to say and so I just ended there and walked off with Alex still holding onto me. I was thankful for that though, because I felt like I was about to fall over. I noticed that Pockets watched us with what looked like amusement, relief and grief all mixed into one interesting cocktail together.

Alex sat me down in the back row before going up to the stage again and telling everyone that they could proceed to make their way to the casket and say their goodbyes before the burial would begin. I watched her do the job of being the good hostess and lead the mourners through the process, wondering the whole while if she didn't feel anything at all about Lilah being dead just two feet away. Or maybe she was a better actress than Lilah even.

Alex had never struck me as the warm and open type before now. I guess I was right about Lilah inspiring people. I couldn't think of anyone else that could turn Alex into the person she was being right now-especially under the extremely difficult situation of your best friend's funeral.

I was the only person that didn't line up to go and see the casket. I didn't want to see Lilah like that ever again. If I had to be content that she was never coming back, than I would rather remember her how she looked alive-creamy skin, thick, wavy blond hair and a devastating smile. She was none of those things anymore and seeing her lying in that casket again might pervert my perfect image of her.

After the last mourner past by Alex to get to Lilah I saw her mask break finally. I was sure she thought no one was looking and that's probably why Alex broke for the moment she did. She drew in a deep breath and I could see her chest shake in that hitching way it does when you're about to cry. She bit down on her lip and closed her eyes before shaking her head. When her eyes opened again, Alex looked completely under control once more.

As I hard as I tried, I just couldn't manage that reserve that she had even in the worst of times. Alex was made of steel when she wanted to be and nothing could break her of that. I realized it wasn't a matter of her being a good actress, but rather how much willpower she had.

"Aren't you going to go outside with everyone else?" Alex asked, noticing that I hadn't moved from where she had put me.

I shrugged, "I don't know. I'm not really sure what I'm doing."

"Well, at this point they don't really need me anymore and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed too." Alex said with a small sigh. "You want to split?"

"Yes." I nodded. "I can't stand being here anymore."

Alex offered me a hand up. "Okay, I'll drive."

I hoped that the ride back to my house would be quiet. I could use a little bit of quiet after the mental trauma I had just been through. Just a few minutes to recollect myself and really try to get a handle on what the fuck I was going to do with my life now. I think that Alex was afraid of what the silence would bring though. She refused to let it take over as we drove away, instead talking about this and that in a steady melancholic stream of words.