Re: A story of love, loss and life - Trifecta - lesbian sex
Posted: 05 Sep 2016 10:10
"Good. I hate it when you two fight. It puts me in a tug of war that I'm not very fond of." Lilah said.
"I'm none too fond of it either. I'm sorry I'm so stubborn sometimes. I can't say anything about Alex of course." I remarked with a laugh. "That's not important though, how are you doing babe?"
Lilah shrugged, "Just thinking, you know? I'm not sure how to feel exactly."
I had no answer for her and that bothered me as much as it did earlier. "Well if there's anything I can do for you just let me know." If I could do something to help her at all then I wouldn't feel like such a waste at least.
"Actually, I am really craving something. Would you mind getting it for me?"
"What do you want my love?" I asked, getting to my feet preemptively for whatever she needed.
Lilah shook her head and motioned with one finger for me to come closer. I leaned forward and she stretched up to press her lips against my ear. "I could really use a good cum right now." Her request took me by surprise to say the least, but that didn't mean I wasn't willing to fulfill it.
"I think I can make that happen." I husked and kissed her exposed neck. I could feel her pulse just under my lips, and how it quickened its pace at my touch. Lilah reached for the button on my pants but I stilled her hand. "I'm really not in the mood, let me just do you."
Lilah's brows furrowed, "Is this about what happened at the doctor's today?" I noticed how she keenly avoided the word 'cancer'.
"It's not that. I've been pulling some late hours lately and I'm really tired. I don't want you to waste your energy if I don't think I'll be able to get off." I lied smoothly, throwing up a good natured smile to seal the deal. I'll never know if Lilah believed me or not, but she let my excuse slide without question.
Although I wouldn't admit it to her, what happened earlier was the problem. In fact it wouldn't leave my mind no matter how much I willed it to. All of that was completely irrelevant though, Lilah had asked me to do something for her and I would do anything to oblige. Especially now that knew I was running out of time to wait on her every whim. I shook that disturbing thought from my head and pushed Lilah back on the bed with another fake smile before dropping to my knees in front of her.
I pushed Lilah's skirt up to her midsection and spread her legs apart. With a lick of my lips, I inched closer to the bed so I could have the best position. Lilah instinctively wrapped her legs around my neck, crossing her ankles against my back to lock me into position before throwing a wicked grin my way. I returned it with one of my own, holding her eyes even as I leaned down to touch the tip of my tongue to her panties.
Lilah hummed her approval and cocked her head, waiting to see what my next move would be. I pulled her panties to the side and licked up her slit before sucking her clit between my teeth. Lilah moaned out loudly, but quickly bit her lip hard to silence herself. It was cute that Lilah tried to consider Alex's delicate ears. Although I was pretty sure that Alex knew what we were doing up here very well despite all of the consideration Lilah could give.
If she still cared what her roommate was thinking I obviously wasn't doing well enough to properly distract Lilah. I upped my game by circling her tight hole with a fingertip. Lilah whimpered, knowing just what to expect as I plunged it in to the knuckle. She cried out again, this time turning her head into the comforter to muffle the sound. I battered her clit in my mouth and thrust into her at a quick, consistent tempo. Lilah was writhing on the bed at my every touch, looking more and more like a woman possessed with each passing moment.
Lilah gripped the bed with one clawed hand and lifted a finger to her mouth, before taking the tip between her teeth. I watched her bite down on the digit just before she threw her head back in ecstasy. That's when I felt the gush hit my lips. The hand she had in my hair tightened with the rest of her body, and I could feel her legs clenching around me hard. In that moment she was nothing but utterly radiant-no matter what else was going on in our lives that was the only thing that really mattered right now.
Lilah looked spent and satisfied, a silly grin spreading across her features. "I think I'm just gonna take a little nap." She mumbled out with a giggle.
"Go ahead babe." I whispered and kissed her forehead. "You deserve it."
I swung her legs up on the mattress and propped a pillow under her head to make sure she was comfortable. Part of me wanted to leave this room immediately. I hated that part of me that was willing to run so easily. Instead I sat with Lilah until she fell asleep, just playing with her hair and watching her breathe.
When I knew that she was in a deep slumber I crept out of the room slumped down against the wall and put my head in my hands. I had no idea how to process my feelings or thoughts. I felt like I was being just shutting down.
"What's wrong?" I didn't have to look up to recognize Alex's voice. I didn't want to look at her right now either.
"It doesn't matter." I finally managed to mumble out.
"C'mon, don't be like that." Alex said with a playful shove, clearly over the spat we had earlier.
I glared up at her, I wasn't meaning to stare so harshly but I couldn't help it. "Lilah just asked me to be...intimate with her." My voice sounded dead and cold. I didn't like the way it rung in my ears.
Alex shuffled a little awkwardly, "And?"
"It wasn't her I was touching, it was the cancer. I could feel it burning me from under her skin. Eating everything away inside of her." I could feel my features drop. The animosity in my stare gone, replaced by the pathetic, helpless face of despair. "My Lilah." I whispered and felt a single tear slide down my face.
Alex knelt down and pulled me close to her. "I know, I know." She whispered again and again. Her voice sounded like it was barely holding its own strength though.
"What are we gonna do?" I sobbed into her neck, not able to hold back myself anymore. Alex shook her head against my shoulder, her own warm tears falling on my skin. She didn't say another word though. She didn't know what to do any more than I did.
***
A lot of changes came soon after. Lilah finally let down her guard about moving in with me when we realized she was going to need more fulltime care. She argued against me but in the end my logic won out. Alex had to work eventually. I, however, could be at her beck and call all day. I even took the initiative to enroll in night classes to learn about the things I could do to better take care of Lilah and make her life as comfortable and fulfilled as I could.
Lilah had come to peace with whatever was going to happen and I envied her for that, because every day felt like it was tearing me apart. I couldn't concentrate on my work anymore, I stopped eating and I couldn't sleep at night. It was like I was the one that was told I wouldn't live to see my next birthday and not Lilah. I wanted to be strong for her, but I had no idea how. I felt like I was falling apart inside. How was I supposed to be her rock when I was so feeble?
Still, I was doing the best I could in the situation I had found myself in. Lilah was getting considerably thinner but she still looked happy and most days she was even pretty functional. The pain sometimes got bad, but usually I was able to mask my own panic to help her fight it off. Despite my roots in selfish nature, taking care of Lilah was making me more aware of what I could do for others, even when it was in conflict with my wants and needs.
Things were settling into their own new version of the norm as it was. A couple weeks passed from the initial news and Lilah had been having a particularly good day pain wise. Instead of lying up in bed she was stretched out across the couch with her head on my lap watching TV. She stared up at me curiously during a commercial break and asked me suddenly, "Would you take me to the beach?"
My immediate reaction was no. I loathed sand. It was the ironic twist of me living in California. Then I considered two things: the first being the many times I had sacrificed my feelings about the beach for Alex's sake and the second being my want to make Lilah happy at any cost.
"Anything to see your pretty smile." I said after the moment of consideration.
Lilah flashed me that smile and sat up slowly, "You're such a smooth talker."
"That's what swept you off your feet." I replied with a wink.
"I always thought it was for your money." Lilah joked.
My brows rose. "Oh, I see how it really is. My girlfriend is a good for nothing gold digger. Should have known better about any date that Ollie set me up with." I scoffed.
"Yeah right." Lilah said with a roll of her eyes. "Are we gonna keep arguing or do you wanna get out of here while it's still nice out?"
I was glad that I had agreed to take her, because I saw a side of Lilah that hadn't resurfaced in a long time. On the drive over she rolled down her window and let her fly in the breeze as she sang along to the radio. This was the Lilah I really missed.
Despite how happy she seemed to be, she didn't really have that life in her anymore. It was like the comparison Lilah had once made about my books. The newer ones weren't bad, but they were without a spark. Lilah was missing her spark now, but for a moment I got a second glance at it.
I helped Lilah out of the car and she laced her fingers in mine. Lilah hung off my arm as we made our way down the beach. I could imagine the shifting sands weren't easy on her fragile bones to walk on. She pointed out an empty patch near the shore and remarked "Let's go over there."
I nodded and gripped her hand tighter. "Sure thing."
I was wearing a light hoodie that I took off and spread on the ground before I helped Lilah down. "So, why the beach?" I asked, brushing my knees off and plopping down behind her.
"I don't know." Lilah shrugged, repositioning herself between my legs to lean her back against me. "Guess I just wanted to listen to the waves. It's soothing."
I kissed the top of her head and rested my chin there. "We could use more of that in our life."
"Yeah." Lilah said. She took hold of my wrists and wrapped them around herself, snuggling tighter into my embrace. This was the one thing that we had silently agreed on since the start of this whole mess, we couldn't be too close to each other. When I didn't know how many seconds left I had to hold her, I wanted to make sure that every single one I got counted. Likewise, when Lilah didn't seek me out that much before, now I found her initiating that closeness more often just as she was doing right now. "I'm sorry though."
"Sorry for what?"
Lilah looked up at me with a coy grin, "I know how much you hate the beach."
"Yeah, but I love you." I said and gave her a quick kiss.
"I know I've said this before, but you're nothing like I originally expected Marley Denning." Lilah whispered, resting her head on my shoulder so she could look at me while she spoke. "You're not an arrogant, egotistical, selfish playgirl. You're sweet and loyal. Generous, compassionate and above all completely devoted to the people you care about. I was so lucky to fall in love with you."
I stroked down her cheekbone with my thumb and beamed. "I was all of those terrible things you expected me to be. The first time I met you I considered the possibility of picking you up for a one night stand, and let me assure you that would have been the last you saw of me." I admitted with a dark chuckle, glad that side of me was long dead. "It's you that's special. You made me want to be better and change all of that bad in me. I'm lucky to have found you."
Lilah gnawed on her lip. She did that on only two occasions, when she was horny or when she was worried. I was pretty sure she wasn't horny by the thick line appearing over her eyes, so I had to guess that she was stressing over something. That was the last thing she needed.
"What is it?" I asked.
Lilah looked as if she were considering something before she opened her mouth to speak. "Can you promise me something?"
"Anything." I said and I meant it too.
Lilah's stare dug into me in a slightly uncomfortable way. "Don't become that again."
"What do you mean?" I was utterly confused at what she was trying to get at. Don't become what again?
"When this is all said and done, don't become that terrible person again."
I shook my head violently, refusing to listen. My voice took on the hard edge of the desperate man that would rather put his head in the sand and suffocate himself than face the hard truth of what may be going on around him. "No. I'm not going to hear you talk like that. There's still a chance we can beat this."
Lilah smiled. It was a sweet, kind smile that meant no harm in the least. "Marley, will you please just promise me? If you're right then this means nothing and you can forget that I ever asked. If I'm right though...it would just be a great comfort to my mind. Is that asking too much?"
I hated it when she threw logic at me that I couldn't refute. "Fine, I promise." I said without much conviction behind it.
"You better mean that." Lilah warned me.
I searched her face and could see how much this clearly meant to her. I nodded, my voice taking a more genuine tone than before. "I mean it Lilah. I won't go back to that life again."
Lilah seemed pleased with what I said this time and dropped the topic. Instead she turned her face into my neck and closed her eyes before heaving a deep sigh of contentment. I squeezed her slight frame carefully, but with the ferocity that showed my utter and undying love for her.
There would be no reason to keep the promise I made to Lilah. She wasn't going anywhere. I would make damn sure of that.
***
I lay in bed with Lilah later that night. We had made love with the passion that our relationship originally had and not once did I think about the cancer. At least not until much later when I thought Lilah had gone to sleep and I was left alone with my thoughts.
I thought about what she had made me promise, and how adamant she was that I made such a promise to her. I didn't want to think so callously, but what did it matter to Lilah if she did die? It's not like she would be able to change anything from beyond the grave.
This thought process made me feel like an asshole though. Lilah wanted me to promise because she cared about me. She didn't want me to slip back into a pattern of self destruction. Still, was she so convinced that I would regress so quick without her around? Did she have such a lack of faith in me that I would back slip the moment she wasn't around?
Thought after though pestered me until Lilah spoke suddenly and scared me out of my skin. "You have to sleep sometime you know." Her voice whispered into the darkness.
"So do you." I could have just agreed with her, but the hypocrisy was too easy to point out. "Why are you still up?"
"Mm-mm." she hummed, shaking her head and tickling my bare skin with her hair. "This isn't about me Marley."
I chuckled once, you couldn't detour Lilah in any negotiation. "I'm just thinking. There's nothing that you need to worry about."
"What are you thinking about dear?"
I frowned, "I don't think you want to talk about it."
Lilah was silent for a moment. Then she said, "We can talk about it. It's not going to make me feel bad."
I had a million things I wanted to ask her about this. How was she handling this when no one else was around? What had she been thinking? Did she regret anything?
"Doesn't it scare you?" I finally asked in a whisper.
Lilah shook her head again. "It is what it is." That was the common answer from Lilah about anything concerning her sickness.
"I don't know how you can just brush it all off like that." I huffed, not liking her answer one bit. I wanted to know that she was scared, because maybe then I could confirm that Lilah was indeed human. The way that she had handled everything since the diagnoses was incredible to say the least, but on some level it was a little too incredible.
Didn't the dark part of the disease seep into her at all? Inciting negative thoughts and feelings or creating a deep depression that she just hid well? I didn't understand Lilah's reactions one bit and that frustrated me more than my lack of understanding on how to deal with it on my end.
"I'm not brushing anything off. I'm also not filling my head with dreams of a second chance when it's unlikely. Expect the worst, accept the best. That's how I've been getting through one day at a time. I know that probably sounds a bit cold, but it's helped me enjoy the really good things when they happen." Lilah said, her breath floating over my skin and raising goosebumps all over my flesh.
"I can't think of any good things that have happened in awhile." I muttered coldly.
"So you didn't have a good time with me today?" Lilah asked and I could imagine one of her brows had risen on its own accord to question me as well.
"No. I had a great time today." I said quickly, feeling a trap coming on.
"Today was the best day I've had all month. Every little thing meant something to me." Lilah admitted.
I understood her a little bit more after I heard those words. She just wanted the simple things from life and from me. She wasn't expecting a miracle or some act of magic. She just wanted to wake up and enjoy the days while she still could.
Perhaps I had been looking too broadly at this whole thing. It didn't matter if I knew every little thing about the disease or learned enough to become her caregiver. Maybe the best thing I could do for Lilah was to just be around as much as I could, to touch and talk and listen to her.
"It was a really good day." I agreed and kissed her forehead. "I want to make every day as good as this one was for you."
"That's a tall order." Lilah said. "But I think you work best when you're given a good challenge."
"I'm glad you have so much faith in me." I chuckled. "How about we both try and get some sleep tonight, hmm?"
"I like that plan." Lilah hummed and kissed my neck.
January, 2006
I would be lying if I said I hadn't lost any of the resolve I had about saving Lilah in the coming weeks. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy came and went, as did countless surgeries to remove the tumors, but still she got worse. None of this ever got Lilah down though. She always stayed optimistic at every option they gave her and more often than not ended up lifting my spirits about the whole situation.
The doctor's suggested moving Lilah into a full time residency room at the hospital so they could monitor her progress more effectively. Neither me, nor Lilah, were thrilled about this idea of course. However her state couldn't just be ignored either. Lilah was literally withering away by each passing day. If they could make it so I had even one more day with her I was willing to jump through any hoops they placed in front of me.
It was around this time that Lilah realized she couldn't keep this a secret between me, her and Alex. She called her brother the first day she spent in the hospital without me knowing at all. Imagine my surprise when I went down to the cafeteria to get Lilah a snack and came back to Bobby, Pockets and their little guy Jackson all sitting around Lilah's bed.
"What's going on here?" I asked.
"Just having a little visit." Lilah said bouncing Jackson off of a blanket covered knee. "Did you get the yogurt I like?"
I nodded and put the tray down next to her. "Of course."
"I'm none too fond of it either. I'm sorry I'm so stubborn sometimes. I can't say anything about Alex of course." I remarked with a laugh. "That's not important though, how are you doing babe?"
Lilah shrugged, "Just thinking, you know? I'm not sure how to feel exactly."
I had no answer for her and that bothered me as much as it did earlier. "Well if there's anything I can do for you just let me know." If I could do something to help her at all then I wouldn't feel like such a waste at least.
"Actually, I am really craving something. Would you mind getting it for me?"
"What do you want my love?" I asked, getting to my feet preemptively for whatever she needed.
Lilah shook her head and motioned with one finger for me to come closer. I leaned forward and she stretched up to press her lips against my ear. "I could really use a good cum right now." Her request took me by surprise to say the least, but that didn't mean I wasn't willing to fulfill it.
"I think I can make that happen." I husked and kissed her exposed neck. I could feel her pulse just under my lips, and how it quickened its pace at my touch. Lilah reached for the button on my pants but I stilled her hand. "I'm really not in the mood, let me just do you."
Lilah's brows furrowed, "Is this about what happened at the doctor's today?" I noticed how she keenly avoided the word 'cancer'.
"It's not that. I've been pulling some late hours lately and I'm really tired. I don't want you to waste your energy if I don't think I'll be able to get off." I lied smoothly, throwing up a good natured smile to seal the deal. I'll never know if Lilah believed me or not, but she let my excuse slide without question.
Although I wouldn't admit it to her, what happened earlier was the problem. In fact it wouldn't leave my mind no matter how much I willed it to. All of that was completely irrelevant though, Lilah had asked me to do something for her and I would do anything to oblige. Especially now that knew I was running out of time to wait on her every whim. I shook that disturbing thought from my head and pushed Lilah back on the bed with another fake smile before dropping to my knees in front of her.
I pushed Lilah's skirt up to her midsection and spread her legs apart. With a lick of my lips, I inched closer to the bed so I could have the best position. Lilah instinctively wrapped her legs around my neck, crossing her ankles against my back to lock me into position before throwing a wicked grin my way. I returned it with one of my own, holding her eyes even as I leaned down to touch the tip of my tongue to her panties.
Lilah hummed her approval and cocked her head, waiting to see what my next move would be. I pulled her panties to the side and licked up her slit before sucking her clit between my teeth. Lilah moaned out loudly, but quickly bit her lip hard to silence herself. It was cute that Lilah tried to consider Alex's delicate ears. Although I was pretty sure that Alex knew what we were doing up here very well despite all of the consideration Lilah could give.
If she still cared what her roommate was thinking I obviously wasn't doing well enough to properly distract Lilah. I upped my game by circling her tight hole with a fingertip. Lilah whimpered, knowing just what to expect as I plunged it in to the knuckle. She cried out again, this time turning her head into the comforter to muffle the sound. I battered her clit in my mouth and thrust into her at a quick, consistent tempo. Lilah was writhing on the bed at my every touch, looking more and more like a woman possessed with each passing moment.
Lilah gripped the bed with one clawed hand and lifted a finger to her mouth, before taking the tip between her teeth. I watched her bite down on the digit just before she threw her head back in ecstasy. That's when I felt the gush hit my lips. The hand she had in my hair tightened with the rest of her body, and I could feel her legs clenching around me hard. In that moment she was nothing but utterly radiant-no matter what else was going on in our lives that was the only thing that really mattered right now.
Lilah looked spent and satisfied, a silly grin spreading across her features. "I think I'm just gonna take a little nap." She mumbled out with a giggle.
"Go ahead babe." I whispered and kissed her forehead. "You deserve it."
I swung her legs up on the mattress and propped a pillow under her head to make sure she was comfortable. Part of me wanted to leave this room immediately. I hated that part of me that was willing to run so easily. Instead I sat with Lilah until she fell asleep, just playing with her hair and watching her breathe.
When I knew that she was in a deep slumber I crept out of the room slumped down against the wall and put my head in my hands. I had no idea how to process my feelings or thoughts. I felt like I was being just shutting down.
"What's wrong?" I didn't have to look up to recognize Alex's voice. I didn't want to look at her right now either.
"It doesn't matter." I finally managed to mumble out.
"C'mon, don't be like that." Alex said with a playful shove, clearly over the spat we had earlier.
I glared up at her, I wasn't meaning to stare so harshly but I couldn't help it. "Lilah just asked me to be...intimate with her." My voice sounded dead and cold. I didn't like the way it rung in my ears.
Alex shuffled a little awkwardly, "And?"
"It wasn't her I was touching, it was the cancer. I could feel it burning me from under her skin. Eating everything away inside of her." I could feel my features drop. The animosity in my stare gone, replaced by the pathetic, helpless face of despair. "My Lilah." I whispered and felt a single tear slide down my face.
Alex knelt down and pulled me close to her. "I know, I know." She whispered again and again. Her voice sounded like it was barely holding its own strength though.
"What are we gonna do?" I sobbed into her neck, not able to hold back myself anymore. Alex shook her head against my shoulder, her own warm tears falling on my skin. She didn't say another word though. She didn't know what to do any more than I did.
***
A lot of changes came soon after. Lilah finally let down her guard about moving in with me when we realized she was going to need more fulltime care. She argued against me but in the end my logic won out. Alex had to work eventually. I, however, could be at her beck and call all day. I even took the initiative to enroll in night classes to learn about the things I could do to better take care of Lilah and make her life as comfortable and fulfilled as I could.
Lilah had come to peace with whatever was going to happen and I envied her for that, because every day felt like it was tearing me apart. I couldn't concentrate on my work anymore, I stopped eating and I couldn't sleep at night. It was like I was the one that was told I wouldn't live to see my next birthday and not Lilah. I wanted to be strong for her, but I had no idea how. I felt like I was falling apart inside. How was I supposed to be her rock when I was so feeble?
Still, I was doing the best I could in the situation I had found myself in. Lilah was getting considerably thinner but she still looked happy and most days she was even pretty functional. The pain sometimes got bad, but usually I was able to mask my own panic to help her fight it off. Despite my roots in selfish nature, taking care of Lilah was making me more aware of what I could do for others, even when it was in conflict with my wants and needs.
Things were settling into their own new version of the norm as it was. A couple weeks passed from the initial news and Lilah had been having a particularly good day pain wise. Instead of lying up in bed she was stretched out across the couch with her head on my lap watching TV. She stared up at me curiously during a commercial break and asked me suddenly, "Would you take me to the beach?"
My immediate reaction was no. I loathed sand. It was the ironic twist of me living in California. Then I considered two things: the first being the many times I had sacrificed my feelings about the beach for Alex's sake and the second being my want to make Lilah happy at any cost.
"Anything to see your pretty smile." I said after the moment of consideration.
Lilah flashed me that smile and sat up slowly, "You're such a smooth talker."
"That's what swept you off your feet." I replied with a wink.
"I always thought it was for your money." Lilah joked.
My brows rose. "Oh, I see how it really is. My girlfriend is a good for nothing gold digger. Should have known better about any date that Ollie set me up with." I scoffed.
"Yeah right." Lilah said with a roll of her eyes. "Are we gonna keep arguing or do you wanna get out of here while it's still nice out?"
I was glad that I had agreed to take her, because I saw a side of Lilah that hadn't resurfaced in a long time. On the drive over she rolled down her window and let her fly in the breeze as she sang along to the radio. This was the Lilah I really missed.
Despite how happy she seemed to be, she didn't really have that life in her anymore. It was like the comparison Lilah had once made about my books. The newer ones weren't bad, but they were without a spark. Lilah was missing her spark now, but for a moment I got a second glance at it.
I helped Lilah out of the car and she laced her fingers in mine. Lilah hung off my arm as we made our way down the beach. I could imagine the shifting sands weren't easy on her fragile bones to walk on. She pointed out an empty patch near the shore and remarked "Let's go over there."
I nodded and gripped her hand tighter. "Sure thing."
I was wearing a light hoodie that I took off and spread on the ground before I helped Lilah down. "So, why the beach?" I asked, brushing my knees off and plopping down behind her.
"I don't know." Lilah shrugged, repositioning herself between my legs to lean her back against me. "Guess I just wanted to listen to the waves. It's soothing."
I kissed the top of her head and rested my chin there. "We could use more of that in our life."
"Yeah." Lilah said. She took hold of my wrists and wrapped them around herself, snuggling tighter into my embrace. This was the one thing that we had silently agreed on since the start of this whole mess, we couldn't be too close to each other. When I didn't know how many seconds left I had to hold her, I wanted to make sure that every single one I got counted. Likewise, when Lilah didn't seek me out that much before, now I found her initiating that closeness more often just as she was doing right now. "I'm sorry though."
"Sorry for what?"
Lilah looked up at me with a coy grin, "I know how much you hate the beach."
"Yeah, but I love you." I said and gave her a quick kiss.
"I know I've said this before, but you're nothing like I originally expected Marley Denning." Lilah whispered, resting her head on my shoulder so she could look at me while she spoke. "You're not an arrogant, egotistical, selfish playgirl. You're sweet and loyal. Generous, compassionate and above all completely devoted to the people you care about. I was so lucky to fall in love with you."
I stroked down her cheekbone with my thumb and beamed. "I was all of those terrible things you expected me to be. The first time I met you I considered the possibility of picking you up for a one night stand, and let me assure you that would have been the last you saw of me." I admitted with a dark chuckle, glad that side of me was long dead. "It's you that's special. You made me want to be better and change all of that bad in me. I'm lucky to have found you."
Lilah gnawed on her lip. She did that on only two occasions, when she was horny or when she was worried. I was pretty sure she wasn't horny by the thick line appearing over her eyes, so I had to guess that she was stressing over something. That was the last thing she needed.
"What is it?" I asked.
Lilah looked as if she were considering something before she opened her mouth to speak. "Can you promise me something?"
"Anything." I said and I meant it too.
Lilah's stare dug into me in a slightly uncomfortable way. "Don't become that again."
"What do you mean?" I was utterly confused at what she was trying to get at. Don't become what again?
"When this is all said and done, don't become that terrible person again."
I shook my head violently, refusing to listen. My voice took on the hard edge of the desperate man that would rather put his head in the sand and suffocate himself than face the hard truth of what may be going on around him. "No. I'm not going to hear you talk like that. There's still a chance we can beat this."
Lilah smiled. It was a sweet, kind smile that meant no harm in the least. "Marley, will you please just promise me? If you're right then this means nothing and you can forget that I ever asked. If I'm right though...it would just be a great comfort to my mind. Is that asking too much?"
I hated it when she threw logic at me that I couldn't refute. "Fine, I promise." I said without much conviction behind it.
"You better mean that." Lilah warned me.
I searched her face and could see how much this clearly meant to her. I nodded, my voice taking a more genuine tone than before. "I mean it Lilah. I won't go back to that life again."
Lilah seemed pleased with what I said this time and dropped the topic. Instead she turned her face into my neck and closed her eyes before heaving a deep sigh of contentment. I squeezed her slight frame carefully, but with the ferocity that showed my utter and undying love for her.
There would be no reason to keep the promise I made to Lilah. She wasn't going anywhere. I would make damn sure of that.
***
I lay in bed with Lilah later that night. We had made love with the passion that our relationship originally had and not once did I think about the cancer. At least not until much later when I thought Lilah had gone to sleep and I was left alone with my thoughts.
I thought about what she had made me promise, and how adamant she was that I made such a promise to her. I didn't want to think so callously, but what did it matter to Lilah if she did die? It's not like she would be able to change anything from beyond the grave.
This thought process made me feel like an asshole though. Lilah wanted me to promise because she cared about me. She didn't want me to slip back into a pattern of self destruction. Still, was she so convinced that I would regress so quick without her around? Did she have such a lack of faith in me that I would back slip the moment she wasn't around?
Thought after though pestered me until Lilah spoke suddenly and scared me out of my skin. "You have to sleep sometime you know." Her voice whispered into the darkness.
"So do you." I could have just agreed with her, but the hypocrisy was too easy to point out. "Why are you still up?"
"Mm-mm." she hummed, shaking her head and tickling my bare skin with her hair. "This isn't about me Marley."
I chuckled once, you couldn't detour Lilah in any negotiation. "I'm just thinking. There's nothing that you need to worry about."
"What are you thinking about dear?"
I frowned, "I don't think you want to talk about it."
Lilah was silent for a moment. Then she said, "We can talk about it. It's not going to make me feel bad."
I had a million things I wanted to ask her about this. How was she handling this when no one else was around? What had she been thinking? Did she regret anything?
"Doesn't it scare you?" I finally asked in a whisper.
Lilah shook her head again. "It is what it is." That was the common answer from Lilah about anything concerning her sickness.
"I don't know how you can just brush it all off like that." I huffed, not liking her answer one bit. I wanted to know that she was scared, because maybe then I could confirm that Lilah was indeed human. The way that she had handled everything since the diagnoses was incredible to say the least, but on some level it was a little too incredible.
Didn't the dark part of the disease seep into her at all? Inciting negative thoughts and feelings or creating a deep depression that she just hid well? I didn't understand Lilah's reactions one bit and that frustrated me more than my lack of understanding on how to deal with it on my end.
"I'm not brushing anything off. I'm also not filling my head with dreams of a second chance when it's unlikely. Expect the worst, accept the best. That's how I've been getting through one day at a time. I know that probably sounds a bit cold, but it's helped me enjoy the really good things when they happen." Lilah said, her breath floating over my skin and raising goosebumps all over my flesh.
"I can't think of any good things that have happened in awhile." I muttered coldly.
"So you didn't have a good time with me today?" Lilah asked and I could imagine one of her brows had risen on its own accord to question me as well.
"No. I had a great time today." I said quickly, feeling a trap coming on.
"Today was the best day I've had all month. Every little thing meant something to me." Lilah admitted.
I understood her a little bit more after I heard those words. She just wanted the simple things from life and from me. She wasn't expecting a miracle or some act of magic. She just wanted to wake up and enjoy the days while she still could.
Perhaps I had been looking too broadly at this whole thing. It didn't matter if I knew every little thing about the disease or learned enough to become her caregiver. Maybe the best thing I could do for Lilah was to just be around as much as I could, to touch and talk and listen to her.
"It was a really good day." I agreed and kissed her forehead. "I want to make every day as good as this one was for you."
"That's a tall order." Lilah said. "But I think you work best when you're given a good challenge."
"I'm glad you have so much faith in me." I chuckled. "How about we both try and get some sleep tonight, hmm?"
"I like that plan." Lilah hummed and kissed my neck.
January, 2006
I would be lying if I said I hadn't lost any of the resolve I had about saving Lilah in the coming weeks. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy came and went, as did countless surgeries to remove the tumors, but still she got worse. None of this ever got Lilah down though. She always stayed optimistic at every option they gave her and more often than not ended up lifting my spirits about the whole situation.
The doctor's suggested moving Lilah into a full time residency room at the hospital so they could monitor her progress more effectively. Neither me, nor Lilah, were thrilled about this idea of course. However her state couldn't just be ignored either. Lilah was literally withering away by each passing day. If they could make it so I had even one more day with her I was willing to jump through any hoops they placed in front of me.
It was around this time that Lilah realized she couldn't keep this a secret between me, her and Alex. She called her brother the first day she spent in the hospital without me knowing at all. Imagine my surprise when I went down to the cafeteria to get Lilah a snack and came back to Bobby, Pockets and their little guy Jackson all sitting around Lilah's bed.
"What's going on here?" I asked.
"Just having a little visit." Lilah said bouncing Jackson off of a blanket covered knee. "Did you get the yogurt I like?"
I nodded and put the tray down next to her. "Of course."