Things to know before doing sex, How to do sex, what to do before doing sex, personal advice, sex advice, life tips...
1. Lasted 1 second.
Her: Is it in?
Me: I’m done.
2. Lasted 14 seconds.
Lasted about as long as a Ronda Rousey fight.
3. Lasted 30 seconds.
No foreplay. Came after thirty seconds. Was stupid enough to ask if she came. She cried afterwards.
4. Literally tried to “blow” him.
My boyfriend had to tell me “You don’t…actually…blow…”
5. Wrong hole.
Well the vagina was a lot closer to the asshole than I had originally thought…
6. Used a Ziploc bag as a condom.
Didn’t have condoms. Used a Ziploc bag.
7. Couldn’t get it up.
Not get an erection, I am pretty sure that’s what I did wrong.
8. Got herpes.
Uh, having unprotected sex with a stranger who had herpes could probably be defined as something I “did wrong.”
9. Told her I wasn’t a virgin.
I lied, said that it wasn’t my first time. Later on when I admitted the lie she was like, “Duh.”
10. Thrusted to the rhythm of “Ice Ice Baby.”
I left the radio on and ended up matching the rhythm of “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice.
11. Came inside her because I didn’t know any better.
She’s like: Did you cum inside?
I’m like: I DON’T KNOW, WHAT IS THAT?
12. Laughed out loud at vaginal flatulence.
Laughed at the sound of a queef.
13. Hole too low.
Couldn’t find the damn hole. Me: “It’s THAT LOW?”
14. It felt like jet refueling midair only at night and with no moonlight.
I got it in the wrong hole. Tried again still wrong, frustrated I had to use my fingers to penetrate first then use my fingers while they’re inside her as a guide. It felt like jet refueling midair only at night and with no moonlight.
15. I can still hear the sound of sweaty ass against leather.
Lost my virginity on a hear couch in the middle of a Texas summer. I can still hear the sound of sweaty ass against leather.
16. Fucked her through the hole in my boxers.
I never thought to take my boxers off, just used the hole in the front like I do when I urinate.
17. Bit the clit.
Went down on her and thought nibbling the clit would be arousing. It wasn’t.
18. Put a “numbing” condom on backwards.
I put a “numbing” condom on backwards and she freaked out.
19. Drooled on her face.
In my bliss I accidentally drooled on her face. Yup, drool. I could only imagine the regret she must have felt at that moment.
20. I kept asking for permission.
I started asking for permission for each thing despite her telling me, “Fuck the shit out of me.”
21. We fought over who should get on top.
I refused to get on top because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to find where to put my dick. She said she didn’t like being on top so, in what might have been the dumbest “power” struggle of all time, we both refused to be on top and literally said, “Fine, then, I guess we won’t fuck.” We lay together on our sides in this incredibly stupid game of chicken for about 4 minutes before I put myself in her.
22. I kept counting to ten in Spanish but always skipped “siete.”
This wasn’t necessarily wrong, but it was more kind of funny. I was dating a law student in Washington D.C. I think it was the summer of 2004. I was eighteen; she was twenty-two, and we both just wanted to have a fun summer. We’d fooled around but never had sex. I was kind of nerdy in high school, so I was just figuring out how things worked in this arena.
She lived back on the West Coast and was leaving the next day. She was in D.C. interning for the summer. I got incredibly drunk and went over to her apartment that night. We had sex. I don’t remember too much about it, but the next day she asked me, “Do you remember counting to me in Spanish?” I told her I didn’t. She started laughing and said, “Every time you thrusted you would start counting in Spanish.” Apparently I was saying uno, dos, tres, cuatro…and so on with each pelvic thrust. But whenever I got to siete, I would skip over it. So as we were having sex I would say, “quatro, cinco, seis, ocho, nueve, diez,” and then would start all over again on uno….
First off, what the hell was I thinking counting in Spanish with each thrust? I’m not even Spanish, but I did take two years of it in high school. And secondly, why the hell did I skip siete each time? The girl said the only thing she could focus on was this. She said she kept wondering if I was going to say or skip siete.
Thankfully she didn’t have to count for too long…
23. Condom fell off.
The little brother walked in on us, condom fell off. I finally came after the most painful head I ever received. 0/10 would never have sex for the first time again.
24. Wore five condoms. Had to cut them off with scissors.
The first time I had sex I was so afraid I was going to get my girlfriend pregnant, I wore five condoms. The condoms cut off circulation and my dick turned purple. I had to cut off the condoms with scissors.
25. I farted on her boobs.
My girl was laying down on her back on the bed and I was just about to cum. I pulled out and moved up her body so my legs were strangled around her breasts. And my dick was by her face. While I was cumming I was straining so hard I farted on her boobs. I was horrified and yet relieved at the same time. Very embarrassing, though, because not only did she hear it, she also felt the vibrations.
26. It looked like I won a hands-free cherry-pie-eating contest.
We were both virgins and I ate her out after we had sex. It was dark and I didn’t realize that there would be blood from her hymen. I went to the bathroom after and it looked like I won a hands-free cherry-pie-eating contest.
27. I mentioned my male friend’s name right after cumming.
My best friend is a dude, let’s call him Sam. As I came (after about three seconds, of course) I blurted out, “Sam would be so jealous.”
I was thinking about my best friend during my first time and said his name out loud.
28. I was too worried about hurting her.
I was too worried about hurting her. She was a tiny girl and had a baby face, but was my age and had had plenty of partners before me. She complained later that it was like having sex with Mr. Rogers.
29. I wasn’t worried enough about hurting her.
The first time I went down on a girl, I was licking away like a dog with a peanut butter kong. At one point, when I got my tongue all the way in, my chin nestled right in between her legs so I decided to grind my chin into her lady bits as hard as I could. She screamed, “OWWW! What the fuck?!!?!?” I responded with something like, “Oh, you didn’t…um,…sorry. I was just…um…OK…I won’t do that again.”
30. Left a skid mark.
Didn’t wipe my ass well enough. After we finished there was a small brown streak on her sheets. IDK if she noticed right away, but I sure as hell did.
31. Got a bloody nose.
I was on top of her and I got a bloody nose. Nothing hotter than having blood dripping on your face mid-coitus.
32. Couldn’t stop laughing.
Couldn’t stop laughing. Not that I found anything funny, I just laugh when I’m nervous.
33. Started bawling my eyes out.
I started bawling my eyes out because I realized I was “growing up” and it made me sad. My boyfriend at the time felt really bad and stopped and I just laid there cuddling him and a stuffed animal for a while…
34. Forgot to pull out the tampon.
Forgot to pull out the tampon.
35. Said “I love you.”
Said “I love you.”