Sunday, 27 September 1942
Mother and I had a `discussion' today, but I burst into tears. I can't help it.
Daddy is always nice to me, and he understands me much better. I feel
that Mother and I are like strangers to each other.
Mrs van Daan is in a bad mood, and is locking all her things up. She
thinks that I am spoilt, and always says, `If Anne was my daughter ...' I'm
glad that I'm not!
Tuesday, 29 September 1942
Try to imagine this. We haven't got a bathroom, so we all take our
water away to wash in different places! Peter goes in the office kitchen,
which has a glass door. Mr van Daan carries his hot water upstairs so
that he can be private. Mrs van Daan hasn't had a bath yet — she can't
decide which is the best place for it! Father goes into the private office
and Mother into the kitchen. Margot and I share the front office. We
close the curtains and wash ourselves there in the dark!
On Wednesday someone was doing repairs in the office downstairs.
We couldn't use the toilet or use water all day. Father and I found a
suitable pot which we could all use as a toilet! We had to sit still all day
and not say a word! That was the most difficult thing for me.
Thursday, 1 October 1942
Yesterday I was very frightened. At eight o'clock the doorbell suddenly
rang. I thought that the Germans were coming to get us. But everybody
said that someone only rang for a joke, or that maybe it was the
postman, and I felt calm again.
Peter can be very funny sometimes. We both like to dress up in silly
clothes. One evening, he put on one of his mother's tight dresses, and I
wore his suit! Everyone laughed so much!
Miep bought new skirts for Margot and me at The
Bijenkorf.*1
They look like potato bags!
Friday, 9 October 1942
The news is very bad today. The Germans are taking away many of our
Jewish friends. They are sent to concentration camps at Westerbork, or
even further away. We think many of them are murdered there. I feel
terrible. The English radio says that the Germans are killing them with
gas. Perhaps that's the quickest way to die. Perhaps you don't suffer so
much that way.
1
* A large shop in the centre of Amsterdam.
Tuesday, 20 October 1942
My hand is still shaking as I write this. Two hours ago we heard an
awful noise at our bookcase door. The knocking didn't stop, and
someone was pushing and pulling at the door. Perhaps they had come
to arrest us! We were white with fear! But at last we heard Mr Kleiman's
voice. `Open up, it's me!'The door was stuck, and he couldn't open it.
We had a good time on Monday. Miep and Jan spent the night with us.
We cooked specially for them, and the meal tasted wonderful.
Monday, 9 November 1942
Yesterday was Peter's sixteenth birthday. He had a game and a cigarette
lighter — he doesn't smoke much, but the lighter looks good!
There was a big surprise too. Mr van Daan heard that the English have
reached Tunis, Algiers, Casablanca and Oran. It is not the end of the war
yet, but perhaps we can hope for the end now. Perhaps it will soon be
history.
Well, what about food in the Annexe? A man brings bread every day, a
very nice friend of Mr Kleiman's. And we've stored a hundred tins of food
here. We can buy ration books on the black market,*2
and we've also
bought three hundred pounds of beans. We decided to move them to the
attic, and Peter was given the job. He succeeded in getting five sacks
upstairs, but the sixth sack burst, and a river of beans poured downstairs!
I was standing at the bottomof
the stairs. Peter couldn't stop laughing
when he saw me in a sea of brown beans. Unfortunately though, the
beans are very small and have disappeared into all the holes. Whenever
we go upstairs now, we look for a few more beans!
2
*When people buy and sell things unofficially, this is called the `black market'. The black
market usually works when food, clothes or other things are hard to rind and very expensive.
Johannes Kleiman next to the bookcase.
Tuesday, 10 November 1942
Great news! Another person is coming to live here. Eight is no more
difficult than seven, and it is so dangerous for Jews now. We have chosen
a dentist called Alfred Dussel. He seems to be nice. Miep knows him, and
she will help him to get here. He will have to sleep in my room though,
and Margot will have to move in with our parents. We'll ask him to fill the
holes in our teeth!
Tuesday, 17 November
1942
Mr Dussel has arrived.
Everything went
smoothly. He came to
the warehouse, and
Miep asked him to take
off his coat, so that no
one could see the yellow
star. Then she brought
him to the private office.
He still had no idea
where he was going, or what was going to happen! When she opened
our bookcase door, he was so surprised! He thought we had left the
country. We were waiting around the table, ready to welcome him with a
drink.
After lunch he slept for a short time, put away his things, and joined us
for tea. We gave him the list of rules for the Secret Annexe that the
van Dins had written.
GUIDE TO THE SECRET ANNEXE
For Jews and other people without homes
Open all year round: Near to the centre of Amsterdam, but in a quiet
street with trees.
Price: Free.
Food: Low fat.
Water: In the bathroom (sorry, no fixed bath) and also on some of the
walls.
Space for storing things: Plenty.
Private radio: For all guests after 6 p.m. But you must never listen to the
news on German radio stations, only music.
Rest hours: From 10 p.m. to 7.30 a.m.; 10.15 a.m. on Sundays. This is
for your safety. The Management may also ask you to rest at other times
too.
Use of language: Speak softly at all times, and not in German. Exercise:
Every day.
Lessons: Offered in English, French, and other subjects. Singing:
Only softly, and after 6 p.m.
Mealtimes: Breakfast 9 a.m. (11.30 a.m. on Sundays and holidays).
Lunch: A light meal from 1.15 p.m. to 1.45 p.m.
Dinner: Sometimes a hot meal, sometimes not. The time of dinner
changes because of radio news broadcasts. Bath: The moveable bath
can be used by all guests after 9 a.m. on Sundays. You may take your
bath in the bathroom, kitchen, private office or front office.
The end
The Diary of a Young Girl (English Novel complete)
Re: The Diary of a Young Girl
Thursday, 19 November 1942
It's true; Mr Dussel is a very nice man. He's willing to share a room with
me, although I don't really like sharing my things with a stranger. But
we all have to give up something here. `If we can save just one of our
friends, we will be doing something to help,' says Father. He's right.
Mr Dussel has told us a lot about the outside world. The news is terrible.
The authorities have taken away so many friends and people we know
to concentration camps. Army cars go round the streets day and night
to arrest people. They're looking for Jews; they knock on every door,
and ask whether any Jews live there. When they find a Jewish family,
they take everybody away. They even pay money for information. In the
evenings, when it's dark, I often see long lines of innocent people
walking on and on. Sick people, old people, children, babies — all
walking to their deaths.
We are very lucky here. I feel bad, sleeping in a warm bed when our
dearest friends are suffering so badly. And only because they are Jews.
Saturday, 28 November 1942
Mr Dussel complains about me all the time. And they said that he liked
children! He complains to Mother, and then she is angry with me too. I
think about it all in bed at night. Am I so bad? I either laugh or cry, and
then I fall asleep, wanting to be different. It's very confusing.
Tuesday, 22 December 1942
The Annexe was delighted to hear that we are all getting an extra quarter
pound of butter for Christmas. We are each going to cook something
with butter.
Mr Dussel says `Quiet, quiet!' to me all night, even if I just turn over in
bed. But he gets up early on Sundays and puts on the light to do his
exercises.
Yes, we all have to be very sensible here and not get angry!
But I would love to lock the door, or hide his clothes, or do something
not at all sensible!
Wednesday, 13 January 1943
Terrible things are happening outside. People are being pulled out of
their homes and arrested. They have to leave with only a small bag and
a little money, but even that is stolen from them. Families are separated.
When children come home from school, their parents have disappeared.
The sons of Christian families in Holland are also sent to Germany.
Everyone is frightened. Every night, there are air raids. Hundreds of
aeroplanes fly over Holland to drop bombs on German cities. Every hour,
hundreds or maybe thousands of people are killed in Russia and Africa.
The whole world is at war. Although the Allies are doing better now, the
end of the war is nowhere in sight.
We are luckier than millions of people. It is quiet and safe here. We
have money to buy food. We're selfish — we talk about `after the war',
and we look forward to new clothes and shoes. But we should save our
money to share with others later.
The children round here only have thin shirts and wooden shoes - no
coats or socks. There is no one to help them. They are always hungry, and
ask people on the streets for bread. I could tell you more about the
suffering that the war has brought, but it would make me too sad. All we
can do is to wait patiently until it is over.
Saturday, 27 February 1943
Phu thinks there will be an invasion by the Allies at any time now.
Churchill*3 was seriously ill, but now he's getting better.
We are sharing our butter a different way now. Everyone gets their own
piece on their own plate. But it's not done right — the van Daans
make breakfast for everyone, and give themselves the biggest share
of the butter. My parents are too frightened to argue, unfortunately.
Wednesday, 10 March 1943
I could hear the guns all last night. I am always frightened of
shooting, and I usually climb into Father's bed to feel safe. The guns
are really loud, and you can't hear your own voice.
One night, there were strange noises inside the Annexe. Peter went
up to the attic and found -- guess what? An army of enormous
rats!
Friday, 2 April 1943
I'm in trouble again! Last night, I was lying in bed and waiting for
Father to come and say my prayers with me. Mother came into the
room, and asked gently, `Anne, Daddy isn't ready? Shall I listen to your
prayers tonight?'
`No, Mummy,' I said. Mother got up, stood by my bed for a moment,
then slowly walked to the door. Suddenly she turned round, and her
face was full of pain. She said, `I don't want to be angry with you. I
3
*Winston Churchill, who led the British Government during World War Il.
can't make you love me!' A few tears fell down her cheeks as she went
out of the door.
I lay still. I knew that it was cruel to say that, but I couldn't give her
any other answer. I feel very sorry for her. She's pushed me away
from her with her unkind jokes.
She cried for half the night, and didn't sleep. Father doesn't look at
me, but I know what he is thinking: `How can you be so unkind? How
dare you make your mother so sad?'
But I can't apologize.
Tuesday, 27 April 1943
Everyone in the Annexe is still quarrelling. There are air raids and
bombs every night, and nobody can sleep well.
Our food is terrible. We have plain bread and coffee — not real coffee
— for breakfast. We have lettuce or green vegetables, and bad
potatoes. That’s all.
It's true; Mr Dussel is a very nice man. He's willing to share a room with
me, although I don't really like sharing my things with a stranger. But
we all have to give up something here. `If we can save just one of our
friends, we will be doing something to help,' says Father. He's right.
Mr Dussel has told us a lot about the outside world. The news is terrible.
The authorities have taken away so many friends and people we know
to concentration camps. Army cars go round the streets day and night
to arrest people. They're looking for Jews; they knock on every door,
and ask whether any Jews live there. When they find a Jewish family,
they take everybody away. They even pay money for information. In the
evenings, when it's dark, I often see long lines of innocent people
walking on and on. Sick people, old people, children, babies — all
walking to their deaths.
We are very lucky here. I feel bad, sleeping in a warm bed when our
dearest friends are suffering so badly. And only because they are Jews.
Saturday, 28 November 1942
Mr Dussel complains about me all the time. And they said that he liked
children! He complains to Mother, and then she is angry with me too. I
think about it all in bed at night. Am I so bad? I either laugh or cry, and
then I fall asleep, wanting to be different. It's very confusing.
Tuesday, 22 December 1942
The Annexe was delighted to hear that we are all getting an extra quarter
pound of butter for Christmas. We are each going to cook something
with butter.
Mr Dussel says `Quiet, quiet!' to me all night, even if I just turn over in
bed. But he gets up early on Sundays and puts on the light to do his
exercises.
Yes, we all have to be very sensible here and not get angry!
But I would love to lock the door, or hide his clothes, or do something
not at all sensible!
Wednesday, 13 January 1943
Terrible things are happening outside. People are being pulled out of
their homes and arrested. They have to leave with only a small bag and
a little money, but even that is stolen from them. Families are separated.
When children come home from school, their parents have disappeared.
The sons of Christian families in Holland are also sent to Germany.
Everyone is frightened. Every night, there are air raids. Hundreds of
aeroplanes fly over Holland to drop bombs on German cities. Every hour,
hundreds or maybe thousands of people are killed in Russia and Africa.
The whole world is at war. Although the Allies are doing better now, the
end of the war is nowhere in sight.
We are luckier than millions of people. It is quiet and safe here. We
have money to buy food. We're selfish — we talk about `after the war',
and we look forward to new clothes and shoes. But we should save our
money to share with others later.
The children round here only have thin shirts and wooden shoes - no
coats or socks. There is no one to help them. They are always hungry, and
ask people on the streets for bread. I could tell you more about the
suffering that the war has brought, but it would make me too sad. All we
can do is to wait patiently until it is over.
Saturday, 27 February 1943
Phu thinks there will be an invasion by the Allies at any time now.
Churchill*3 was seriously ill, but now he's getting better.
We are sharing our butter a different way now. Everyone gets their own
piece on their own plate. But it's not done right — the van Daans
make breakfast for everyone, and give themselves the biggest share
of the butter. My parents are too frightened to argue, unfortunately.
Wednesday, 10 March 1943
I could hear the guns all last night. I am always frightened of
shooting, and I usually climb into Father's bed to feel safe. The guns
are really loud, and you can't hear your own voice.
One night, there were strange noises inside the Annexe. Peter went
up to the attic and found -- guess what? An army of enormous
rats!
Friday, 2 April 1943
I'm in trouble again! Last night, I was lying in bed and waiting for
Father to come and say my prayers with me. Mother came into the
room, and asked gently, `Anne, Daddy isn't ready? Shall I listen to your
prayers tonight?'
`No, Mummy,' I said. Mother got up, stood by my bed for a moment,
then slowly walked to the door. Suddenly she turned round, and her
face was full of pain. She said, `I don't want to be angry with you. I
3
*Winston Churchill, who led the British Government during World War Il.
can't make you love me!' A few tears fell down her cheeks as she went
out of the door.
I lay still. I knew that it was cruel to say that, but I couldn't give her
any other answer. I feel very sorry for her. She's pushed me away
from her with her unkind jokes.
She cried for half the night, and didn't sleep. Father doesn't look at
me, but I know what he is thinking: `How can you be so unkind? How
dare you make your mother so sad?'
But I can't apologize.
Tuesday, 27 April 1943
Everyone in the Annexe is still quarrelling. There are air raids and
bombs every night, and nobody can sleep well.
Our food is terrible. We have plain bread and coffee — not real coffee
— for breakfast. We have lettuce or green vegetables, and bad
potatoes. That’s all.
Re: The Diary of a Young Girl
Saturday, I May 1943
Yesterday was Dussel's birthday. He pretended that he wasn't
interested, but when Miep arrived with a large bag of presents from
his friends, he was as excited as a child! He had chocolate, eggs,
butter, oranges and books. He arranged them on the table and left
them there for three days, the silly old fool!
He already has plenty of food. We found bread, cheese, jam and
eggs in his cupboard. He hasn't given us anything, but we've shared
everything with him.
Sunday, 13 June 1943
Father wrote something for my birthday — it's very funny! It's about mc,
and my hard life in the Annexe, under the authority of parents who are
always telling me what to do! I had some lovely presents too, specially
a big book of Greek and Roman stories, and sweets from everyone —
people gave me some from the last of their stores.
Tuesday, 15 June 1943
Next month we have to give back our radio to the authorities. It's an
official rule, and all over the country people are trying to find an old
radio to give in so that they can keep their real radios in secret. It's a
shame that we have to give in our beautiful big radio, but Mr Kleiman
will give us a `baby' radio which he has hidden at home. We'll put it
upstairs. It's not allowed, of course, but we're not allowed to be here
either! Our radio with its wonderful voice really helps us. We tell
ourselves, `Let's try to be brave and cheerful. Things must get better!'
Friday, 16 July 1943
There was a break-in last night, a real one! This morning, Peter went
down to the warehouse and saw that the doors were open on to the
street. We stayed quiet, and didn't use any water or do anything to
make a noise. We waited until eleven-thirty, when Mr Kleiman came
upstairs. He told us that burglars had broken in and stolen some
money. Luckily, they didn't find much so they soon went next door to
look there.
The Allies are arriving in Sicily!
Monday, 19 July 1943
A lot of bombs fell on North Amsterdam on Sunday. Whole streets
went in the raid, and they can't even dig out all the bodies yet.
They've already counted two hundred people dead, and many
more are hurt. The hospitals are full.
Monday, 26 July 1943
There was a terrible bombing raid yesterday. It started at about twothirty
in the afternoon. Margot and I were upstairs, but the guns were
so loud that we went down again. The house shook, and the bombs
kept on falling. I was holding my `escape bag'. But walking on the
streets is as dangerous as an air raid on the Annexe. I know that I
can't really leave. After half an hour the planes flew away, and the
smell of fire was everywhere. There was thick smoke over the city, like
fog.
Later, after dinner, there was another raid. The bombs came down
again like rain, and we heard from British reports that Schiphol
Airport was bombed. We could hear the noise of the planes all the
time, and we were very frightened. My legs were still shaking when I
lay in bed that night.
At midnight, more planes! I ran to father's bed and did not fall asleep in
my own bed until half-past two.
But at seven o'clock in the morning we heard some wonderful
news about Italy! Mussolini has gone, and the King of Italy is leading
the government there now.
Tuesday, 3 August 1943
We just had a third air raid. I am trying to be brave. Mrs van Daan
used to say, `Let them fall!' Now she is the most cowardly of us all.
She was shaking like a leaf this morning, and even burst into tears.
Our bodies are very stiff now. We stopped our exercise
programme a long time ago.
Friday, 10 September 1943
Every time I write to you, something special has happened. Usually,
it's unpleasant. But this time, it's wonderful! The news was broadcast
that Italy is out of the war! The British are now in Naples. The Germans
are in North Italy.
But there is some very bad news too. Mr Kleiman is going to have a
very difficult operation on his stomach, and he'll have to stay in hospital
for at least four weeks. He's so brave! He's always cheerful and smiling,
although he's usually in pain.
Friday, 29 October 1943
Mr Kleiman is out of hospital now, but his stomach is still bad. He had
to go home again today because he wasn't well.
Mr van Daan has sold his wife's best winter coat. She wanted to keep
the money to buy new clothes after the war. Mr van Daan could not
make her understand that the money has to be used for the Annexe.
They shouted and screamed at each other — it was terrible.
I'm OK, but I'm not hungry at the moment. People say, `You look
awful, Anne!' Sundays are especially bad. It is deathly quiet then. I
feel as though I am being pulled down into hell. I am a bird without
wings who can't escape. A voice inside me cries, `Let me out! I want
to go into the fresh air. I want to hear people laughing!' I don't answer
the voice, but just lie down on the sofa. Sleep makes time go more
quickly.
Wednesday, 3 November 1943
We've decided to start our fire at seven-thirty on Sunday
mornings, instead of five-thirty. I think it's dangerous. The
neighbours may see the smoke, and what will they think? The
curtains are a problem too. They cover the windows completely, but
sometimes someone here will decide to take a little look outside.
Everyone complains, but the answer is, `Oh, nobody will notice 'That's
how things start to get dangerous.
We are not quarrelling so much. Only Dussel and the van Daans are
enemies at the moment. Dussel talks about Mrs van Daan as `that
stupid cow', and she calls him `an old woman'!
Monday evening, 8 November 1943 '
We all have different moods here, up and down. And my mood is sad
now. Miep says that we are peaceful here. But it's like a small circle of
blue sky. We eight people in the Annexe are in that circle, but all
around us are dark clouds and danger. The circle is getting smaller,
and the darkness closer. If we could fly up into that blue sky, into
heaven ... Oh circle, open wide and let us out!
Sunday, 2 January 1944
This morning I read through some of the old pages in my diary. I was very
ashamed when I saw what I had written about Mother. Why did I feel
so angry then? Why did I hate her so much? It was true that she didn't
understand me. But I didn't understand her either. I'm older and wiser
now, and Mother is not so nervous. We try not to quarrel with each
other. But I can't love her like a child any more.
Thursday, 6 January 1944
I realized what's wrong with Mother. She says that she sees us inure
as her friends, not her daughters. That's nice, but a friend is not the
same as a mother.
I think the changes in my body are wonderful. Whenever I have my
period (three times now), it's like a sweet secret inside me. There is
pain, and mess, but I look forward to it again.
l need a friend, and I'm going to try Peter. I want badly to talk to
someone. I had a chance to talk to him yesterday; I looked into his dark
blue eyes and it gave me a wonderful feeling.
That night in bed I cried and cried. Must I ask Peter to be my friend? I
don't love him, but I do need him. If the van Daans had a daughter, it
would be just the same with her. So I've decided to visit Peter more
often, and to make him talk to me.
Wednesday, 12 January 1944
I'm crazy about dance at the moment! I practise my steps every
evening, and I've made myself a modern dance dress from Mother's
clothes. I tried to turn my tennis shoes into dance shoes, but it didn't
work. All the exercise is helping — I'm not nearly so stiff now!
Saturday, 15 January 1944
I won't tell you all the details of our quarrels in the Annexe. But we
are not sharing our food in the same way now — we've got our own
stores of meat and oil, and we even cook our own potatoes. Mother
made a wish, `I don't want to see Mr van Daan's face for two whole
weeks.' Unfortunately, her wish is not likely to come true. Does
everyone who shares a house become like this? Or are we just
unlucky?
Yesterday was Dussel's birthday. He pretended that he wasn't
interested, but when Miep arrived with a large bag of presents from
his friends, he was as excited as a child! He had chocolate, eggs,
butter, oranges and books. He arranged them on the table and left
them there for three days, the silly old fool!
He already has plenty of food. We found bread, cheese, jam and
eggs in his cupboard. He hasn't given us anything, but we've shared
everything with him.
Sunday, 13 June 1943
Father wrote something for my birthday — it's very funny! It's about mc,
and my hard life in the Annexe, under the authority of parents who are
always telling me what to do! I had some lovely presents too, specially
a big book of Greek and Roman stories, and sweets from everyone —
people gave me some from the last of their stores.
Tuesday, 15 June 1943
Next month we have to give back our radio to the authorities. It's an
official rule, and all over the country people are trying to find an old
radio to give in so that they can keep their real radios in secret. It's a
shame that we have to give in our beautiful big radio, but Mr Kleiman
will give us a `baby' radio which he has hidden at home. We'll put it
upstairs. It's not allowed, of course, but we're not allowed to be here
either! Our radio with its wonderful voice really helps us. We tell
ourselves, `Let's try to be brave and cheerful. Things must get better!'
Friday, 16 July 1943
There was a break-in last night, a real one! This morning, Peter went
down to the warehouse and saw that the doors were open on to the
street. We stayed quiet, and didn't use any water or do anything to
make a noise. We waited until eleven-thirty, when Mr Kleiman came
upstairs. He told us that burglars had broken in and stolen some
money. Luckily, they didn't find much so they soon went next door to
look there.
The Allies are arriving in Sicily!
Monday, 19 July 1943
A lot of bombs fell on North Amsterdam on Sunday. Whole streets
went in the raid, and they can't even dig out all the bodies yet.
They've already counted two hundred people dead, and many
more are hurt. The hospitals are full.
Monday, 26 July 1943
There was a terrible bombing raid yesterday. It started at about twothirty
in the afternoon. Margot and I were upstairs, but the guns were
so loud that we went down again. The house shook, and the bombs
kept on falling. I was holding my `escape bag'. But walking on the
streets is as dangerous as an air raid on the Annexe. I know that I
can't really leave. After half an hour the planes flew away, and the
smell of fire was everywhere. There was thick smoke over the city, like
fog.
Later, after dinner, there was another raid. The bombs came down
again like rain, and we heard from British reports that Schiphol
Airport was bombed. We could hear the noise of the planes all the
time, and we were very frightened. My legs were still shaking when I
lay in bed that night.
At midnight, more planes! I ran to father's bed and did not fall asleep in
my own bed until half-past two.
But at seven o'clock in the morning we heard some wonderful
news about Italy! Mussolini has gone, and the King of Italy is leading
the government there now.
Tuesday, 3 August 1943
We just had a third air raid. I am trying to be brave. Mrs van Daan
used to say, `Let them fall!' Now she is the most cowardly of us all.
She was shaking like a leaf this morning, and even burst into tears.
Our bodies are very stiff now. We stopped our exercise
programme a long time ago.
Friday, 10 September 1943
Every time I write to you, something special has happened. Usually,
it's unpleasant. But this time, it's wonderful! The news was broadcast
that Italy is out of the war! The British are now in Naples. The Germans
are in North Italy.
But there is some very bad news too. Mr Kleiman is going to have a
very difficult operation on his stomach, and he'll have to stay in hospital
for at least four weeks. He's so brave! He's always cheerful and smiling,
although he's usually in pain.
Friday, 29 October 1943
Mr Kleiman is out of hospital now, but his stomach is still bad. He had
to go home again today because he wasn't well.
Mr van Daan has sold his wife's best winter coat. She wanted to keep
the money to buy new clothes after the war. Mr van Daan could not
make her understand that the money has to be used for the Annexe.
They shouted and screamed at each other — it was terrible.
I'm OK, but I'm not hungry at the moment. People say, `You look
awful, Anne!' Sundays are especially bad. It is deathly quiet then. I
feel as though I am being pulled down into hell. I am a bird without
wings who can't escape. A voice inside me cries, `Let me out! I want
to go into the fresh air. I want to hear people laughing!' I don't answer
the voice, but just lie down on the sofa. Sleep makes time go more
quickly.
Wednesday, 3 November 1943
We've decided to start our fire at seven-thirty on Sunday
mornings, instead of five-thirty. I think it's dangerous. The
neighbours may see the smoke, and what will they think? The
curtains are a problem too. They cover the windows completely, but
sometimes someone here will decide to take a little look outside.
Everyone complains, but the answer is, `Oh, nobody will notice 'That's
how things start to get dangerous.
We are not quarrelling so much. Only Dussel and the van Daans are
enemies at the moment. Dussel talks about Mrs van Daan as `that
stupid cow', and she calls him `an old woman'!
Monday evening, 8 November 1943 '
We all have different moods here, up and down. And my mood is sad
now. Miep says that we are peaceful here. But it's like a small circle of
blue sky. We eight people in the Annexe are in that circle, but all
around us are dark clouds and danger. The circle is getting smaller,
and the darkness closer. If we could fly up into that blue sky, into
heaven ... Oh circle, open wide and let us out!
Sunday, 2 January 1944
This morning I read through some of the old pages in my diary. I was very
ashamed when I saw what I had written about Mother. Why did I feel
so angry then? Why did I hate her so much? It was true that she didn't
understand me. But I didn't understand her either. I'm older and wiser
now, and Mother is not so nervous. We try not to quarrel with each
other. But I can't love her like a child any more.
Thursday, 6 January 1944
I realized what's wrong with Mother. She says that she sees us inure
as her friends, not her daughters. That's nice, but a friend is not the
same as a mother.
I think the changes in my body are wonderful. Whenever I have my
period (three times now), it's like a sweet secret inside me. There is
pain, and mess, but I look forward to it again.
l need a friend, and I'm going to try Peter. I want badly to talk to
someone. I had a chance to talk to him yesterday; I looked into his dark
blue eyes and it gave me a wonderful feeling.
That night in bed I cried and cried. Must I ask Peter to be my friend? I
don't love him, but I do need him. If the van Daans had a daughter, it
would be just the same with her. So I've decided to visit Peter more
often, and to make him talk to me.
Wednesday, 12 January 1944
I'm crazy about dance at the moment! I practise my steps every
evening, and I've made myself a modern dance dress from Mother's
clothes. I tried to turn my tennis shoes into dance shoes, but it didn't
work. All the exercise is helping — I'm not nearly so stiff now!
Saturday, 15 January 1944
I won't tell you all the details of our quarrels in the Annexe. But we
are not sharing our food in the same way now — we've got our own
stores of meat and oil, and we even cook our own potatoes. Mother
made a wish, `I don't want to see Mr van Daan's face for two whole
weeks.' Unfortunately, her wish is not likely to come true. Does
everyone who shares a house become like this? Or are we just
unlucky?