Monday, 3 April 1944
I'm going to describe our food rations. Food is a difficult and
important problem not only for us in the Annexe, but for everyone
in Holland, all of Europe and even further away.
We've lived here for twenty-one months, and often at any one time
there was only one kind of food to eat. For example, one kind of
vegetable or salad_ We
would eat it with potatoes, in
every possible way that we
could think of.
But now there are no
vegetables at all. We have
potatoes, and brown
beans. We make soup —
we still have some packets
and stores to make dishes
which are a little bit more
interesting. But it's beam
with everything, even in
the bread.
Mrs van Daan, Mr van Daan and Victor Kuler, left, Amsterdam, 1941.
The most exciting moment is when we eat a thin piece of sausage
once a week, and put some jam on our bread — no butter, of course!
But we're still alive, and much of the time the food tastes good too.
Wednesday, 5 April 1944
For a long time now, I haven't really been interested in my
schoolwork. The end of the war still seemed so far away. And if it isn't
over by September, I won't go back to school, since I don't want to be
two years behind.
Peter filled my days, nothing but Peter. Nothing but dreams and
thoughts, until Saturday
night when I felt terrible. I
sat on the floor in my
nightdress and said my
prayers. Then I just lay
down on the floor and
cried. But I knew I had to
fight against it and,
finally, when I climbed back into bed at ten o'clock, the suffering was
over!
And now it's really over. I've realized that I must do my schoolwork. I
want to make something of my life. I want to be a journalist. I know I
can write. A few of my stories are good, a lot of my diary is alive and
amusing, but ... I don't know yet if I can be a really good writer. But
then if I can't write books or for newspapers, I can always write for
myself. I don't want to live like Mother, Mrs van Daan, and all the other
women who simply do their work and are then forgotten. I need
more than just a husband and children! I want to be useful, and
to bring enjoyment to all people, even those that I've never met. I want
to go on living after my death!
I'm grateful to God for my writing. So I'll go on trying, and everything
will be all right, because I'm not going to give up!
Tuesday, 11 April 1944
I don't know where to start — so much has happened. Thursday, when I
wrote to you, everything was as usual. Friday and Saturday too.
Then on Sunday evening at nine-thirty, Peter knocked at our door.
He asked Father to come upstairs and help him with sore English
words. But I didn't believe him.
`That's strange,' I said to Margot. `I think we've got burglars.'
I was right. They were breaking into the warehouse at that moment.
Father, Mr van Daan and Peter went downstairs as quickly as
possible. Margot, Mother, Mrs van Daan and I waited. Four
frightened women need to talk, so that's what we did. Then we heard
a loud noise, but nobody came back until ten o'clock.
Father looked quite white when he came in to us. `Lights out, and get
upstairs quietly! The police will be here soon!'
The men went back downstairs, so we still didn't know what
had happened. But ten minutes later they were back. They told
us that burglars broke down the warehouse door and that Mr van
Daan had shouted `Police!' They tried to put the door back, but
the burglars kicked it down again. Then a man and a woman on
the street shone a lamp in from the street. (We later found out that
this was Mr van Hoeven, the man who brings us potatoes, and his
wife.)
We waited and waited in the dark until after eleven o'clock. Then
there was more noise downstairs, and finally someone tried to
move the bookcase. We were so frightened. I thought the police
were going to take us away. But then the person went away,
and the house was quiet. We had to stay quiet all night too, and
use a large tin for a toilet. We tried to sleep on the floor.
`We should hide the radio!' said Mrs van Daan.
`If they find us, it doesn't matter if they find the radio too,'
answered Mr van Daan.
`Then they'll find Anne's diary as well,' said my father. `So we
should burn it!' suggested someone.
Oh, not my diary! If my diary goes, I go too! But fortunately, nothing
was done.
At seven, we rang Mr Kleiman, and at last Jan and Miep
arrived. They had to go off again to the police to inform them
about the burglars, so we had half an hour to tidy up the house
and get everything straight. It was an awful smelly mess!
We were in terrible danger that night. Just think, the police were
by the bookcase, but they didn't find us. God was truly watching
over us. You have saved us, please save us in the future!' That's
what our prayer is now.
From now on, we must be more careful too. Dussel will do his work
in the bathroom, and Peter will walk round the house between
eight-thirty and nine-thirty every evening. Somebody noticed that
Peter's window was open, so he must keep it shut now.
Anne, A msterdam, 1941.
It has reminded us that we are Jews, and that we must live like
prisoners. We must forget our personal feelings and be brave and
strong. One day this terrible war will be over. The time will come
when we'll be people again and not just Jews!
Who has made us suffer like this? Who has separated us from all the
other people? God has made us like this, but God will lift us up again.
Perhaps afterwards, if there are any Jews left, our suffering will teach
people something. Perhaps they will learn something about
goodness, and this is why we have to suffer. We can never be just
Dutch, or just English
— we will always be
Jews as well.
Be brave! There will be
a way out. God has
always looked after us.
All through history,
Jews have had to
suffer, but there are still
Jews, and the suffering
has made us stronger.
I thought that I was
going to die that night. I
waited for death like a
soldier. But now that
I'm still alive, I want to
stay in Holland after
the war. I love the
Dutch, I love this country, I love the language. I want to work here.
If God lets me live, I will do more than Mother ever did. I want my
voice to be heard! I'll go out into the world and work for all human
beings!
Sunday, 16 April 1944
Remember yesterday's date, because it was special for me. When a
girl gets her first kiss, it's always an important date.
Last night, I was sitting with Peter on his sofa-bed, and he soon put
his arm around me. I put my arm round him too, and we sat very
close. We've sat like this before, but never as close as we were last
night. He wanted me to put my head on his shoulder, then he
rested his head on mine. Oh, it was so wonderful! He touched my
cheek, my arm and my hair.
At nine-thirty we stood up to go — Peter had to check the building. I
was standing next to him. I must have made the right movement, I don't
know how, because he gave me a kiss. It was a kiss through my hair,
half on my left cheek, and half on my ear. I ran downstairs and didn't
look back!
The Diary of a Young Girl (English Novel complete)
Re: The Diary of a Young Girl
Friday, 28 April 1944
Last night, Peter and I were sitting on the sofa as usual, in each other's
arms. Suddenly, the usual Anne disappeared — the confident, noisy Anne
— and the second Anne took her place. This second Anne only wants to
love and to be gentle. Tears came to my eyes. Did he notice? He made
no movement. Did he feel the same way as I did? He said very little.
There were no answers to my questions.
At eight-thirty I stood up and went to the window, where we always say
goodbye. I was still Anne number two. He came over to me, and I threw
my arms around his neck and kissed him on his left cheek. I was going
to kiss his other cheek too, when my mouth met his, and we kissed each
other again and again!
Last night was a great shock to my heart. The gentle Anne doesn't
appear very often, and she's not going to go away quickly. Oh Peter,
what have you done to me? What do you want from me?
But if I was older and he wanted to marry me, what would I say?
Anne, be honest! I couldn't marry him. Peter isn't strong enough as a
person. He's still a child.
Tuesday, 2 May 1944
On Saturday night I asked Peter whether I should tell Father about us.
He thinks that I should. I was glad; it means that he's sensible. As soon
as I came downstairs, I went with Father to get some water.
While we were on the stairs I said, `Father, when Peter and I are
together, we don't exactly sit at opposite ends of the room. But you've
probably guessed that. Do you think that's wrong?'
Father paused for a moment, then answered, `No, I don't think it's
wrong. But Anne, when you're living so close together as we do, you
have to be careful.'
Later, on Sunday morning, he said more to me about it. `You must be
the one to be careful — it's the man who always wants to go further. In
the outside world, it's different. You’re free, you see other boys and
girls, and you can play sport and do a lot of different things. But here,
you see each other every hour of the day. Be careful Anne, and don't
take it too seriously!'
Father says that I shouldn't go upstairs so often, but I still want to. Yes,
I'm going!
Wednesday, 3 May 1944
For the last two weeks, we've been eating lunch at eleven-thirty on
Saturdays. From tomorrow, it'll be like that every day. That will be one
meal less each day. It's still very hard to get vegetables. This afternoon
we ate some bad cooked lettuce. Add some bad potatoes, and you have
a meal fine enough for a king!
I haven't had my period for more than two months, but it finally started
last Sunday. Although it's a trouble and a mess, I'm glad.
You can imagine we often say, `Why are there wars? Why, oh why,
can't people live together peacefully?'
No one can give a really good answer. Why is England making bigger
and better aeroplanes and bombs, and at the same time also building
new houses? Why do governments give millions each day for war,
when they spend nothing on medicine or poor people? Why must
people go without food, when there are mountains of food going bad
in other parts of the world? Oh, why are people so crazy?
It's not only governments who make war. No, the common man is guilty
too! We give our governments the authority to do it. There's something in
people that snakes them murder and kill. Unless all human beings
change, there will still be wars.
I'm often sad here, but I still see our life in the Secret Annexe as an
adventure. It's dangerous but exciting. I've decided that I want to live a
different kind of life, not like other girls, and that I won't be an ordinary
housewife. Living here is an interesting beginning to my life, and
that's why I laugh at the amusing side of it, even when it's dangerous.
I'm young, and I'm strong, happy and cheerful. I feel that I'm growing
up more every day, and that the end of the war is not far away. Nature
is still beautiful, and the people around me are good. Every day, I
think what an interesting adventure this is! So why be sad or
frightened?
Saturday, 6 May 1944
It is hard to believe it when Jan, Mr Kugler and Mr Kleiman tell us
about the prices of food in the outside world. Everything is so
expensive, and people buy and sell on the black market. One
person can sell you a little bit of wool, another some ration books,
and another some cheese. Stealing and murder happen every day.
Even the police and the night watchmen are doing it. Everyone wants
food to put in their stomachs, and they can't earn enough money to
eat.
Monday, 8 May 1944
Have I ever told you anything about my family? I don't think I have,
so let me begin. Father was born in Frankfurt-am-Main, and his
parents were very rich. Michael Frank, his father, owned a bank. When
Father was young, there were parties and dances every week, and
they lived in an enormous house. But when his father died, most of
the money was lost, and after the Great War and the problems in
Germany, there was nothing left at all.
Mother's family wasn't so rich, but they had quite a lot of money, and
she also tells us stories of private dances and parties with 250 guests.
We're not at all rich now, but I hope things will be good after the war.
I'd like to spend a year in Paris and London, to learn the languages and
study art history. I've told you before, I want to see the world and do
all kinds of exciting things! And a little money will be very useful!
Friday, 19 May 1944
I felt awful yesterday. I was sick, and had a headache. I'm feeling
better today. I'm very hungry, but I won't eat the beans that we're
having for dinner.
Everything is going fine between Peter and me. We kiss each other
goodnight every evening, and he always asks for another kiss. He's
so happy to know that somebody loves him!
I'm not so close to him now as I was. My love hasn't grown colder,
though. Peter's a lovely boy, but I've closed the door to the Anne deep
inside. If he wants to find her again, he'll have to break down the
door!
Monday, 22 May 1944
We've heard something very sad and frightening. It seems that a lot of
people are thinking differently about us Jews now. People are
against us who were once totally on our side. Some Christians
are saying that the Jews tell secrets to the Germans. They say that
the Jews are telling the authorities about their helpers, and then
those people are arrested. And then, of course, the punishments that
they get are terrible. Yes, it's all true. But they should ask themselves
this: if Christians were in our place, would they behave differently?
Could anyone, Jew or Christian, stay silent when the Germans are
trying to make them talk? Everyone knows that it's almost impossible,
so why do they ask us, the Jews, to do something impossible?
I have only one hope: that the Dutch will not be against us for long.
They should remember again in their hearts what's right, because
this isn't right at all.
Last night, Peter and I were sitting on the sofa as usual, in each other's
arms. Suddenly, the usual Anne disappeared — the confident, noisy Anne
— and the second Anne took her place. This second Anne only wants to
love and to be gentle. Tears came to my eyes. Did he notice? He made
no movement. Did he feel the same way as I did? He said very little.
There were no answers to my questions.
At eight-thirty I stood up and went to the window, where we always say
goodbye. I was still Anne number two. He came over to me, and I threw
my arms around his neck and kissed him on his left cheek. I was going
to kiss his other cheek too, when my mouth met his, and we kissed each
other again and again!
Last night was a great shock to my heart. The gentle Anne doesn't
appear very often, and she's not going to go away quickly. Oh Peter,
what have you done to me? What do you want from me?
But if I was older and he wanted to marry me, what would I say?
Anne, be honest! I couldn't marry him. Peter isn't strong enough as a
person. He's still a child.
Tuesday, 2 May 1944
On Saturday night I asked Peter whether I should tell Father about us.
He thinks that I should. I was glad; it means that he's sensible. As soon
as I came downstairs, I went with Father to get some water.
While we were on the stairs I said, `Father, when Peter and I are
together, we don't exactly sit at opposite ends of the room. But you've
probably guessed that. Do you think that's wrong?'
Father paused for a moment, then answered, `No, I don't think it's
wrong. But Anne, when you're living so close together as we do, you
have to be careful.'
Later, on Sunday morning, he said more to me about it. `You must be
the one to be careful — it's the man who always wants to go further. In
the outside world, it's different. You’re free, you see other boys and
girls, and you can play sport and do a lot of different things. But here,
you see each other every hour of the day. Be careful Anne, and don't
take it too seriously!'
Father says that I shouldn't go upstairs so often, but I still want to. Yes,
I'm going!
Wednesday, 3 May 1944
For the last two weeks, we've been eating lunch at eleven-thirty on
Saturdays. From tomorrow, it'll be like that every day. That will be one
meal less each day. It's still very hard to get vegetables. This afternoon
we ate some bad cooked lettuce. Add some bad potatoes, and you have
a meal fine enough for a king!
I haven't had my period for more than two months, but it finally started
last Sunday. Although it's a trouble and a mess, I'm glad.
You can imagine we often say, `Why are there wars? Why, oh why,
can't people live together peacefully?'
No one can give a really good answer. Why is England making bigger
and better aeroplanes and bombs, and at the same time also building
new houses? Why do governments give millions each day for war,
when they spend nothing on medicine or poor people? Why must
people go without food, when there are mountains of food going bad
in other parts of the world? Oh, why are people so crazy?
It's not only governments who make war. No, the common man is guilty
too! We give our governments the authority to do it. There's something in
people that snakes them murder and kill. Unless all human beings
change, there will still be wars.
I'm often sad here, but I still see our life in the Secret Annexe as an
adventure. It's dangerous but exciting. I've decided that I want to live a
different kind of life, not like other girls, and that I won't be an ordinary
housewife. Living here is an interesting beginning to my life, and
that's why I laugh at the amusing side of it, even when it's dangerous.
I'm young, and I'm strong, happy and cheerful. I feel that I'm growing
up more every day, and that the end of the war is not far away. Nature
is still beautiful, and the people around me are good. Every day, I
think what an interesting adventure this is! So why be sad or
frightened?
Saturday, 6 May 1944
It is hard to believe it when Jan, Mr Kugler and Mr Kleiman tell us
about the prices of food in the outside world. Everything is so
expensive, and people buy and sell on the black market. One
person can sell you a little bit of wool, another some ration books,
and another some cheese. Stealing and murder happen every day.
Even the police and the night watchmen are doing it. Everyone wants
food to put in their stomachs, and they can't earn enough money to
eat.
Monday, 8 May 1944
Have I ever told you anything about my family? I don't think I have,
so let me begin. Father was born in Frankfurt-am-Main, and his
parents were very rich. Michael Frank, his father, owned a bank. When
Father was young, there were parties and dances every week, and
they lived in an enormous house. But when his father died, most of
the money was lost, and after the Great War and the problems in
Germany, there was nothing left at all.
Mother's family wasn't so rich, but they had quite a lot of money, and
she also tells us stories of private dances and parties with 250 guests.
We're not at all rich now, but I hope things will be good after the war.
I'd like to spend a year in Paris and London, to learn the languages and
study art history. I've told you before, I want to see the world and do
all kinds of exciting things! And a little money will be very useful!
Friday, 19 May 1944
I felt awful yesterday. I was sick, and had a headache. I'm feeling
better today. I'm very hungry, but I won't eat the beans that we're
having for dinner.
Everything is going fine between Peter and me. We kiss each other
goodnight every evening, and he always asks for another kiss. He's
so happy to know that somebody loves him!
I'm not so close to him now as I was. My love hasn't grown colder,
though. Peter's a lovely boy, but I've closed the door to the Anne deep
inside. If he wants to find her again, he'll have to break down the
door!
Monday, 22 May 1944
We've heard something very sad and frightening. It seems that a lot of
people are thinking differently about us Jews now. People are
against us who were once totally on our side. Some Christians
are saying that the Jews tell secrets to the Germans. They say that
the Jews are telling the authorities about their helpers, and then
those people are arrested. And then, of course, the punishments that
they get are terrible. Yes, it's all true. But they should ask themselves
this: if Christians were in our place, would they behave differently?
Could anyone, Jew or Christian, stay silent when the Germans are
trying to make them talk? Everyone knows that it's almost impossible,
so why do they ask us, the Jews, to do something impossible?
I have only one hope: that the Dutch will not be against us for long.
They should remember again in their hearts what's right, because
this isn't right at all.
Re: The Diary of a Young Girl
Thursday, 25 May 1944
Something happens every day now. This morning they arrested Mr
van Hoeven, the man who brings the potatoes. He was helping two
Jews, who were hiding in his house. The world is turned upside
down. The best people are in concentration camps and prisons, while
the worst decide to put them there. It's terrible for Mr van Hoeven,
and for those poor Jews. It's also very difficult for us. Bep can't
possibly carry all those heavy potatoes, so we'll have to eat less of
them. Mother says that we won't eat breakfast; lunch will be bread
and something simple; and dinner will be potatoes. If possible, we'll
eat vegetables or lettuces once or twice a week. That's all there is.
Monday, 5 June 1944
There are new problems in the Annexe now. There's a quarrel
between Dussel and the Franks. We can't agree how to share out the
butter.
Then the van Daans don't agree that we should make a cake for Mr
Kugler's birthday when we can't have one ourselves. It's all very silly.
Mood upstairs: bad. Mrs van Daan has a cold.
The weather is awful. The Allies are bombing the Pas de Calais and
the west coast of France.
No one is buying American dollars now, and they aren't interested
in gold either. We shall soon come to the bottom of our black
money-box. How will we have enough money to live next month?
Tuesday, 6 June 1944
`This is D-Day,' the BBC said on the radio at twelve o’clock. ‘This
is the day. ‘The invasion has begun!
The German news says that British soldiers have arrived on the coast
of France, and are fighting the Germans there.
At one o'clock the BBC said that 11,000 planes are flying in to help
the invasion. They're carrying soldiers, or on bombing raids. 4,000
boats are arriving on the coast between Cherbourg and Le Havre.
British and American armies are already fighting there.
We can't believe it! Is this really the beginning of the end of the war?
We've talked about it so much — but it still seems too good to be true!
Will they win the war this year, in 1944? We don't know yet. But
where there's hope, there's life. It makes us brave and strong again.
Now that the invasion has started, I feel that friends are coming!
Maybe, Margot says, I can even go back to school in September or
October!
Friday, 9 June 1944
Great news of the invasion! The Allies have taken Bayeux, a village
on the coast of France. They're now fighting for the town of Caen.
Tuesday, 13 June 1944
I've had another birthday, so now I'm fifteen. I had quite a few presents;
among them were an art history book, some underwear, a
handkerchief, a pot of jam, two small honey cakes, a book about plants
from Mother and Father, sweets from Miep, and some lovely flowers
from Peter.
The invasion is still going well, although the weather is terrible —
heavy rain, strong winds and rough seas.
Peter loves me more each day, but something is holding us back, and
I don't know what it is. Sometimes I wonder if I wanted him too much; I
263 Prinsengracht, Amsterdam. Seen from the rear.
think that perhaps it wasn't real. But then if I can't go up to his room
for a day or two, I want him badly again. Peter is kind and good, but in
some ways I'm not happy about him as a person. He doesn't think
much of God, for example, and I don't like the way that he talks about
food. And why doesn't he let me come close to him, really close to the
person deep inside him?
I haven't been outside for so long that everything in the natural
world seems wonderful to me now. I remember a time when I didn't
notice the blue sky, or the flowers, or hear the song of the birds. All
that has changed. When I can, I try to watch the moon, or the dark,
rainy sky through our windows. And when I look at the clouds, the
moon and the stars, I really do feel calm and hopeful. It's the best
medicine, and I
am stronger
afterwards.
Unfortunately, I
usually have to
try and look
through dusty
curtains and very
dirty windows.
Tuesday, 27
June 1944
The mood has
changed, and
everything
outside is going
very well. The Allies have won Cherbourg, Vitebsk and Zhlobin. In
the three weeks since D--Day, there have been rain and storms every
day, but the British and the Americans have fought hard.
How far do you think we'll be on 27 July?
Saturday, 15 July 1944
I know that I won Peter as a friend, not the other way round. I was
the one who tried to make it work. And I made a picture of him in my
mind as a quiet, sweet boy who badly needed a loving friend. I needed
someone to talk to, to say what was in my heart. I wanted a friend too,
who would help me to find my way again. I succeeded; slowly but
surely, he came towards me. Finally, we became friends, but we
became very close too. I find it hard to believe now that we grew so
close! We talked about very private things, but never about what was
deep in my heart. And I still can't understand Peter. Is he really shy, or
is there nothing deep in him at all?
But I made one big mistake. I wanted him to be close to me, and now
we can't be friends any other way. And he's holding on to me too
tightly. I can't see how to change this now.
Friday, 21 July 1944
Now, at last, things are going well! Great news! Somebody tried to kill
Hitler, and it was actually a German army official who tried to do it!
This shows us that many of the German soldiers have had enough of
the war too, and would like to end it.
Tuesday, 1 August 1944
I'm two people, really, as I've often told you. One side of me is cheerful
and amusing, and enjoys a kiss or a rude joke. This is the Anne that
people know, and they will be amused by me for an afternoon, but after
that they've had enough of me for a month! No one knows the other
side, the better side of Anne. It's deeper and finer. But the first Anne
always shows herself, and won't let the second Anne out. I try, but it
doesn't work. It's because I'm afraid --- afraid that people will laugh at
me. Of course people laugh at me now — I'm used to it — but they laugh
at the amusing `lighthearted' Anne. She doesn't care, but the `deeper'
Anne is too weak for that. If I make the good Anne come out even for
fifteen minutes, she won't speak, and allows Anne number one to talk.
Then, before I realize it, she's disappeared again.
So the nice Anne never comes out in front of other people, but she's
almost always there when I'm alone. I would like to change, and I'm
trying hard, but it's difficult. If I'm quiet and serious, my family thinks
I'm ill! But I keep trying to become what I would like to be, and what I
could be if ... if only there were no other people in the world.
ANNE'S DIARY ENDS HERE
Something happens every day now. This morning they arrested Mr
van Hoeven, the man who brings the potatoes. He was helping two
Jews, who were hiding in his house. The world is turned upside
down. The best people are in concentration camps and prisons, while
the worst decide to put them there. It's terrible for Mr van Hoeven,
and for those poor Jews. It's also very difficult for us. Bep can't
possibly carry all those heavy potatoes, so we'll have to eat less of
them. Mother says that we won't eat breakfast; lunch will be bread
and something simple; and dinner will be potatoes. If possible, we'll
eat vegetables or lettuces once or twice a week. That's all there is.
Monday, 5 June 1944
There are new problems in the Annexe now. There's a quarrel
between Dussel and the Franks. We can't agree how to share out the
butter.
Then the van Daans don't agree that we should make a cake for Mr
Kugler's birthday when we can't have one ourselves. It's all very silly.
Mood upstairs: bad. Mrs van Daan has a cold.
The weather is awful. The Allies are bombing the Pas de Calais and
the west coast of France.
No one is buying American dollars now, and they aren't interested
in gold either. We shall soon come to the bottom of our black
money-box. How will we have enough money to live next month?
Tuesday, 6 June 1944
`This is D-Day,' the BBC said on the radio at twelve o’clock. ‘This
is the day. ‘The invasion has begun!
The German news says that British soldiers have arrived on the coast
of France, and are fighting the Germans there.
At one o'clock the BBC said that 11,000 planes are flying in to help
the invasion. They're carrying soldiers, or on bombing raids. 4,000
boats are arriving on the coast between Cherbourg and Le Havre.
British and American armies are already fighting there.
We can't believe it! Is this really the beginning of the end of the war?
We've talked about it so much — but it still seems too good to be true!
Will they win the war this year, in 1944? We don't know yet. But
where there's hope, there's life. It makes us brave and strong again.
Now that the invasion has started, I feel that friends are coming!
Maybe, Margot says, I can even go back to school in September or
October!
Friday, 9 June 1944
Great news of the invasion! The Allies have taken Bayeux, a village
on the coast of France. They're now fighting for the town of Caen.
Tuesday, 13 June 1944
I've had another birthday, so now I'm fifteen. I had quite a few presents;
among them were an art history book, some underwear, a
handkerchief, a pot of jam, two small honey cakes, a book about plants
from Mother and Father, sweets from Miep, and some lovely flowers
from Peter.
The invasion is still going well, although the weather is terrible —
heavy rain, strong winds and rough seas.
Peter loves me more each day, but something is holding us back, and
I don't know what it is. Sometimes I wonder if I wanted him too much; I
263 Prinsengracht, Amsterdam. Seen from the rear.
think that perhaps it wasn't real. But then if I can't go up to his room
for a day or two, I want him badly again. Peter is kind and good, but in
some ways I'm not happy about him as a person. He doesn't think
much of God, for example, and I don't like the way that he talks about
food. And why doesn't he let me come close to him, really close to the
person deep inside him?
I haven't been outside for so long that everything in the natural
world seems wonderful to me now. I remember a time when I didn't
notice the blue sky, or the flowers, or hear the song of the birds. All
that has changed. When I can, I try to watch the moon, or the dark,
rainy sky through our windows. And when I look at the clouds, the
moon and the stars, I really do feel calm and hopeful. It's the best
medicine, and I
am stronger
afterwards.
Unfortunately, I
usually have to
try and look
through dusty
curtains and very
dirty windows.
Tuesday, 27
June 1944
The mood has
changed, and
everything
outside is going
very well. The Allies have won Cherbourg, Vitebsk and Zhlobin. In
the three weeks since D--Day, there have been rain and storms every
day, but the British and the Americans have fought hard.
How far do you think we'll be on 27 July?
Saturday, 15 July 1944
I know that I won Peter as a friend, not the other way round. I was
the one who tried to make it work. And I made a picture of him in my
mind as a quiet, sweet boy who badly needed a loving friend. I needed
someone to talk to, to say what was in my heart. I wanted a friend too,
who would help me to find my way again. I succeeded; slowly but
surely, he came towards me. Finally, we became friends, but we
became very close too. I find it hard to believe now that we grew so
close! We talked about very private things, but never about what was
deep in my heart. And I still can't understand Peter. Is he really shy, or
is there nothing deep in him at all?
But I made one big mistake. I wanted him to be close to me, and now
we can't be friends any other way. And he's holding on to me too
tightly. I can't see how to change this now.
Friday, 21 July 1944
Now, at last, things are going well! Great news! Somebody tried to kill
Hitler, and it was actually a German army official who tried to do it!
This shows us that many of the German soldiers have had enough of
the war too, and would like to end it.
Tuesday, 1 August 1944
I'm two people, really, as I've often told you. One side of me is cheerful
and amusing, and enjoys a kiss or a rude joke. This is the Anne that
people know, and they will be amused by me for an afternoon, but after
that they've had enough of me for a month! No one knows the other
side, the better side of Anne. It's deeper and finer. But the first Anne
always shows herself, and won't let the second Anne out. I try, but it
doesn't work. It's because I'm afraid --- afraid that people will laugh at
me. Of course people laugh at me now — I'm used to it — but they laugh
at the amusing `lighthearted' Anne. She doesn't care, but the `deeper'
Anne is too weak for that. If I make the good Anne come out even for
fifteen minutes, she won't speak, and allows Anne number one to talk.
Then, before I realize it, she's disappeared again.
So the nice Anne never comes out in front of other people, but she's
almost always there when I'm alone. I would like to change, and I'm
trying hard, but it's difficult. If I'm quiet and serious, my family thinks
I'm ill! But I keep trying to become what I would like to be, and what I
could be if ... if only there were no other people in the world.
ANNE'S DIARY ENDS HERE